Shades of Gray
by MaggsAM
Summary: In the aftermath of the Quarter Quell, Katniss and Peeta are forced to a safe house. But with Peeta recovering from torture, and Katniss as confused as ever, will the solitude help them realize their worlds are not as black and white as they believe?
1. Chapter 1

At first, there had been anger. It was immediate and harsh, and it burned her throat when she screamed of injustice. She frantically looked around the room, gray with ceiling to floor cold cement, crowded with district thirteen advisers who surveyed her meltdown with a prickling uncomfortable silence. She was enraged, and in danger of losing her wits. Peeta had the opposite reaction. He stood stony and silent, his arms folded in disapproval.

"It is for the best, as you very well know." Coin spat, and her arms mimicked Peeta.

"There is nothing you can do to make me stay there. I'm not going to hide like a coward!"

Katniss shrieked, her silver eyes flashing with malice and slight manic. This was absolutely ludicrous. Katniss was actually shaking from the ridiculousness of it all. She darted a look at Peeta. Would Peeta approve of this botched plan? Possibly. It guaranteed almost certain safety for the both of them. Katniss already knew as long as the possibility of one of them being safe was a probable outcome, Peeta would agree to it. He was only truly concerned about one of them. She studied him for a moment, judging his reaction to the news.

Peeta stood, solid as stone. Arms folded. Mouth in a tight line. His hair dusted past his dark eyebrows, hanging just above his bright eyes. She watched as his jaw subtly clenched, as it always did when he was swallowing an unpleasant urge or thought.

_That's it. He's repressing. He's not going to agree with me. _Katniss thought, her rage boiling over again. Just as she was about to open her mouth to argue once more, Peeta caught the entire room by surprise by flipping over the heavy table in the center of the room with his left hand. It was fast, and had the effect he intended for. The council was clearly startled and unhinged.

"We're not going." He hissed, as loose papers fluttered to the concrete flooring.

"You most certainly are!" Coin sputtered, clearly flustered.

"No. We're not. You need Katniss. And I still am not fully treated. How do you know you can trust me to be alone with her for God knows how long? I could snap her neck in her sleep."

Peeta said, in an almost bored tone. Katniss fought the urge to shiver at his nonchalant reference to her violent death. The council also appeared alarmed at this recent declaration of Peeta's unstable sanity.

"You won't. We will take measures to ensure both of your safety. Don't think we haven't thought long and hard of this arrangement. This isn't some crock-pot idea that we hatched to make your life miserable, Miss Everdeen and Mister Mellark. This is entirely to ensure that you even _have_ a life." Coin said, regaining composure from Peeta's uncharacteristic meltdown.

"We have also," Coin continued, "Informed your mother as well as Primrose of this decision. They agree it is for the best."

Katniss felt a rush of emotions. Confusion. Hurt. Fear. Anger, always. And for once, defeat. It would be exactly like Coin to bring up what made Katniss most vulnerable. It was a low blow. A last resort measure to ensure that Katniss understood the full weight of the current situation. Slowly, tears of frustration sprang to her eyes, and a painful lump formed in her throat. The last thing she wanted was to cry in front of the District thirteen council. The council observed her reaction with thick tension. She fought to keep on a neutral facade, but her neck was beginning to hurt, her eyes were burning from fighting back tears, and swallowing while holding back tears felt unbearably thick and painful. It was pathetic, but Katniss felt utterly trapped. There was no way they could be convinced to keep her in the rebellion plans. There was no way they would allow her to shadow along missions. They probably even packed her bags and had a hovercraft waiting while Coin distributed the information. Any way she looked at it, she began to see the walls forming and doors closing, until she was completely surrounded from all sides. Add the news that her own mother and sister agreed with Coin, and the floor was dropped right out from underneath Katniss. She was completely vulnerable, and at the will of the thirteenth district.

"It's what's best." Coin repeated, this time, with more security.

"Explain. Explain to me again, the plan." Katniss whispered, willing her voice to remain steady.

"You and Peeta are not safe. And if we want to win the war against the Capitol, we need your cooperation. We are in the thick of battle, and Snow is playing dirty. It's too dangerous for anyone, especially you two. In order to win, we need you to stay alive, and hidden from Snow. We have a safe house in an undisclosed area. There, you and Peeta will live, until further instruction. All necessities are provided, and we have already taken measures to ensure the safety of you both."

Katniss let out a slow breath and rubbed her temples. The room knew they were at an impasse, and a sudden stillness washed over the group as they observed Katniss' internal struggle.

"Excuse me." Peeta's deep voice said suddenly. "But, what makes you think I want to go?"

"Pardon?" Coin rasped.

"I said, what makes you think I want to go to the safe house. You've done nothing to convince me I should go."

Slowly, the council began to look at each other and murmur their confusion as Peeta's words were slowly digested and understood. Katniss tried hard not to let her face burn. It was shocking to hear Peeta's argument, and she already knew why the council had not tried to gather leverage to convince Peeta to go. They assumed, like everyone else including Katniss, that if she agreed, it was a package deal. If Katniss went, Peeta would follow.

"Katniss will be going." Coin said, her eyebrows scrunching together.

"Why would I go just because Katniss is?" Peeta argued, his eyes suddenly flashing.

"Because...because you love Katniss." Coin murmured, at a sudden loss.

The room held its breath. Katniss suddenly felt ill. It hadn't been the first time Peeta's love for Katniss, it was a subject generally known to be awkward for all. Katniss felt Peeta's eyes turn to her, and burn into her profile. She fought for the strength to look at him, but all she could do was slowly turn her head further away from him to the side.

"So I've been told." He whispered.

Katniss slowly closed her eyes, as if shutting them could make her disappear. A sudden urge for the old Peeta washed over her body. Peeta, who laughed and could make anyone fall in love with him with a single conversation. Peeta who was warm like the bread he baked, with soft eyes and big gentle hands. Instead, ever since his time at the Capitol, he had pushed away from everyone, doubting everything he knew. Cynical and slightly cold. He was rough and accusatory and more definite in his wants and needs. When he came back from the Capitol and it's torture, he had lost all the innocent and pure qualities that clung to boyhood adolescence. Now, he was a man, and he looked it too. Katniss often felt that she had lost a friend without a single goodbye, despite his presence. He was not the Peeta she knew. She felt as if she were in mourning for someone she lost a long time ago. Pair this with the recent inability to control her own personal life, and Katniss was overwhelmed. She had no control over her choices, her home was destroyed, and Peeta..._her _Peeta, had vanished.

"I'll go."

Katniss' head shot up as she looked at Peeta in disbelief.

"I'll go if Katniss goes." He said again, staring at Coin.

The council turned their attention to her direction. She swallowed, accepting what she knew had to be done.

"I'll go." Katniss spoke to the group.

"Great." Coin smirked before the room could form a reaction. "You'll be leaving now."

Blue eyes met gray, as Peeta and Katniss searched each other for some sort of solid ground. But before Katniss could find anyone familiar in his eyes, his gazed dropped to the floor.

It was final.


	2. Chapter 2

Prim felt impossibly tiny in Katniss' arms, and her tears wet the collar of Katniss' shirt. The goodbye with her mother had been less emotionally charged, but there was still warmth in her embrace and a sad look in her eyes. It had been their opinions that swayed Katniss into leaving for the safe house, but leaving her family for an insurmountable period for the third time in less than a year, created a hollow pit in her stomach.

"Come home soon. I don't like this place without you." Prim whimpered into her neck.

Katniss smiled sadly.

"Prim, I don't like any place without you."

Katniss had briefly argued to bring her family along, but the idea was swiftly shot down. The less people at the safe house, the safer it would be. They wanted to fly under the radar as much as possible. At this point, there was no room for bargaining. She was lucky they even allowed ten minutes to say goodbye.

Truth be told, Katniss was extremely nervous about being alone with Peeta for an unknown amount of time. They hadn't spoken much, and when they did, it was forced and cold. And, though she would rather kiss Snow than admit it, she was slightly scared of him. Subconsciously, she placed a limp hand around her neck, remembering his violent reaction to seeing her after being rescued from the Capitol.

"Katniss? Is everything-"

Prim was cut off as a guard stepped into the foyer. It was time.

She turned to face the two people she cared for most. Prim, with her soft, fine hair in two symmetrical braids and watery blue eyes. And there, her mother, grasping onto Prim's tiny shoulders. Two women, with corn silk hair and bright eyes. The world never seemed to stop trying them.

"I love you. I love you both. I'll be home soon. I promise." Katniss whispered, and with a kiss on both their foreheads, she departed.

The guard was silent as he escorted her to the hovercraft loading dock. The only sound was that of their boots, echoing off the acoustic walls. As they turned a corner, Katniss sucked in a quick breath. Peeta stood, his arms crossed against his chest. He was leaning against the wall, one

leg stretched out and the other placed at an angle. He turned his head and looked up at her through his fringe.

"Were you waiting here for a while?" Katniss spoke.

"Yes." He replied honestly. "I don't have anyone to say goodbye to like you do."

It was one of those instances in which silence fell heavy and uncomfortable after Peeta spoke an unfortunate truth. Katniss averted her eyes, unsure of what to say. Brooding, uncomfortable Peeta was not something she was used to.

They continued to walk down winding hallways until they reached a door.

Their guard suddenly spoke, "Behind this door, the hovercraft waits. In order to ensure your safety, we are giving you some anesthetics. You will sleep until your arrival. It's best to not know where you are going."

"I'm not okay with this." Katniss growled.

"Of course you're not." Peeta grunted, and stepped through the doorway.

He never ceased to shock her. Her head began to pound, but she bit down her complaints and followed Peeta through the door, despite not knowing what would happen once she crossed over.

* * *

><p>The first thing Katniss was aware of, was the soft crash of waves. Slowly, her consciousness caught up with her and she willed her eyes to open. Light, soft and yellow, caught the corners of a white washed ceiling. Katniss sat up, rubbing the drug-induced sleep from her eyes. She swiftly surveyed the room. White walls, with a small closet, hardwood floor, and a wrought iron bed in which she was laying. A clean window to the left of the room looked out to a beach with dark water and soft gray sand. With a creak, Katniss slipped off her quilted bed and tiptoed to the door. It was irrational for her to be anxious about what lay beyond the smooth wood surface, but she exhaled and slowly turned the handle. Her bedroom door opened out to a spacious, open room. A fireplace occupied the far side of the wall. Next to it, a tall wooden bookshelf held worn down books with feathering binders. Two comfy looking chairs, a couch, and a coffee table took up the center of the room. On the far wall was a large glass window which overlooked tall sea grass, and an endless ocean. Driftwood and sea shells adorned some surfaces and provided decoration. Crystals hung in the windows, reflecting light on the white walls. It was simple and very beautiful.<p>

The house was quiet, and Katniss felt the need to keep it that way. Tiptoeing further, she came across the kitchen. A large stone oven took up a wall with another small kitchen fireplace, and copper pots hung from the ceiling. It reminded her of the kitchens in the Victor's Village. This was clearly the end of the home, but she had yet to see the house's other occupant: Peeta. Willing her nerves to calm themselves, she swiftly filled a pot of tea, and after creating a small fire with the kindling provided, placed it over the kitchen fireplace to boil.

Nervously, she undid her long braid, letting her thick dark hair fall to her waist in waves. Peeta was not the only thing about this place that unsettled her. The house seemed light and airy, an obvious attempt to calm the inhabitants with decor. However, Katniss and Peeta had never seen a large body of water like this. Except...the Quarter Quell. It certainly brought back unpleasant memories. And there was no wooded area. If Katniss didn't find a forest somewhere to hunt, she would go crazy. And that was a guarantee.

Her head was beginning to ache again. Slowly, she lowered her head into her arms, and rested her body on the kitchen table. She was exhausted, mentally and physically. And her mind was working overtime to process the recent turn of events.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed until she felt something warm on her neck. Swiftly she shot up and swung wildly in the direction the warmth came from. Her eyes grew wide as she registered her current situation. The kettle was screaming and boiling over, and Peeta stood an arms length away from her, his eyebrows scrunched together, and both of his hands out to deflect her blows.

"Christ Peeta!" She bellowed, her chest heaving. They stared at each other, both with wild eyes, until Peeta broke their death gaze and swiftly walked to the kettle to take it off the fire. Eventually, it stopped screaming. But Katniss' heart was still pounding.

"Didn't you hear that?" Peeta asked, glaring at Katniss accusingly.

"No." Katniss whispered, pushing her long hair away from her face. It was very unlike her not to have. She was usually so observant and controlled.

"Why did you have your hand on my neck?" She shouted at Peeta, once she gained her wits.

"I didn't put my hand on your neck. I was brushing your hair back from your face." He muttered, helping himself to a cup from the cupboard. Katniss was momentarily taken back by this confession. It was very much like the old Peeta. Sweet...almost.

"You-you were pushing my hair back?"

"Yeah. I've never seen you with your hair out of the braid. 'Could barely tell who you were, with that overwhelming mane."

Ouch.

Katniss huffed.

"Hand me a cup?" She sighed, her arm stretched out. Peeta looked at her open hand and gingerly placed a ceramic mug in her hand.

They filled their cups with boiling water and tea in silence that seemed to stretch for hours. Peeta drank his cup while staring out the kitchen window. With his back to Katniss, she was able to examine him above the rim of her mug without fear. His back was broad, and she could begin to see the muscle forming below his thermal shirt. He was already much larger than when they first went into the Quarter Quell. His hair fell to his ears and a little past his eyebrows in the front. His face even had scruff. He was no longer the boy with the bread. He was a man. But of what he was a man of exactly, she was not certain.

"Where is your room?" Katniss wondered out loud.

"On the opposite side of the house from yours." Peeta replied, his gaze still on the window.

"You know where my room is?"

"Of course I do. I've already been in it."

Katniss felt herself pale.

"What?"

"Yeah. I woke before you did. I explored the house. I went into your room but you were still asleep. So I went outside for a bit. When I came in, that's when I found you asleep again and ready to burn the house down."

Katniss rolled her eyes as she saw the corner of Peeta's mouth raise.

The sun began to slowly set as they finished their tea in silence, coloring the house with beautiful oranges and pinks.

"You know, this is your favorite color." Katniss mused, partially to herself.

"What?"

"Sunset. It's your favorite time, and your favorite color."

Peeta finally turned to face her. His eyebrows were scrunched up, and his jaw was clenching. Something she said had the wheels turning in his mind, and whether it was good or bad, she wasn't sure.

"How...how do I remember so many details, but not my favorite color?" He whispered angrily into the still air. Katniss froze in anticipation for his next move, but all he did was turn back to the window, and place his empty cup in the sink.

"You love Gale. Real or not real?"

The question shocked her, and she almost choked on her tea. Sputtering, she looked up at Peeta as if to confirm that he'd actually spoken.

"It's a little more complicated than that." She whispered, nervously taking her loose hair and braiding it.

Suddenly, Peeta shifted, and swiftly crossed the room to where she sat. Katniss took in a sharp breath, as he placed on hand on the table, and the other on the back of her chair. Slowly, he leaned his head to gaze into her eyes. Katniss' own eyes flickered to his for a brief moment, but was able to register the angst and confusion written all over his cerulean eyes. His blue, blue eyes. His blue eyes framed by thick, long, and dark lashes, and heavy dark eyebrows which seemed to be constantly scrunched together. His eyes, wild with the will to try and understand a world he didn't know at all.

"Your eyes." Peeta murmured, his gaze never faltering. "Your eyes are so gray. And they've got this dark rim on the outside. And your eyelashes are so long."

_Well that was unexpected. _Katniss thought, slowly raising her eyebrows as the corner of her mouth curled.

"You have really long eyelashes too." She breathed, still a little weary of how close he was.

Peeta's own mouth mimicked hers, curling at one corner. Finally, in this brief moment, Katniss was able to meet his eyes. She fought so hard not to. They were both vulnerable whenever they found themselves gazing at the other. Usually one turned away before the other. It was uncomfortable always, never knowing where they stood.

"You're unsettled around me. Real?"

And the moment was lost again. Katniss' eyes fluttered and she looked down at the mug clasped in her hands.

"Real. And I hate myself for it."

"We used to really know each other, didn't we?"

"We were very close, you and I."

"Do you care about me?" Peeta breathed, and again, she found his eyes.

"Always." And it was the most honest thing she said to him since his return from the Capitol.

"Do you miss me? The way I was?"

Peeta's breathing hitched, and his face began to scrunch up.

"You're still Peeta."

"No, that's not true."

_So Peeta is feeling vulnerable._ Katniss mused. It must be absolutely frusterating, terrifying, and not to mention confusing. Being placed alone with someone you don't feel you can trust. Not knowing important details of your own life. The sun slowly dipped behind the ocean front, and the house began to cast dark shadows.

"You'll come back when you're ready I suppose." She spoke, clearing her throat.

Slowly, Peeta rose and began to cross the threshold. Katniss watched his back retreating into the shadows.

"Katniss?" He spoke suddenly. "I'm trying. Sometimes, I feel it. I almost feel it again."

"Feel what?" Katniss said, but then Peeta began to move further away.

"Peeta! Feel what? Feel what!"

But he didn't give an answer. He didn't speak. He was already moving back, the darkness swallowing him whole until he disappeared right before her very eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hey everyone! Before I begin I just wanted to briefly say how excited I am about your feedback! I know this story has only been up for two days and has a few reviews, but it has renewed my excitement in this fan fiction! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, because with every review I get, the more I want to quickly write out the next chapter! I am done with winter break, and I'm heading back to college, but I really hope I can keep up this pace for posting! Again, THANK YOU!

From here on out, things will get a bit sticky for Peeta and Katniss. It is rated mature for a reason. Happy reading!

* * *

><p><em>There was a sound of water dripping. Cold and dark. A ceiling of jagged rock and moss. Crinkle of a sleeping bag. Details, slowly filtering in. Water pouring outside. His eyes were open, and there it was. Warmth radiating from his side. Peeta glanced to his left. Katniss looked peacful with eyes closed, and mouth pouted in dream. He took a quick minute to observe her. Hair falling out of a long dark braid. Eyelashes so thick they kissed her cheeks. A naturally beestung mouth, with no cupid's bow on the upper lip. She breathed quietly. He followed her long neck to her bare shoulders, to her hands placed under her head in a makeshift pillow. She was topless. Slowly, in the safety of the moment, Peeta glanced beneath the sleeping bag and bashfully observed that she was completely naked. He sucked in a quick breath and averted his eyes. He was fully clothed. A nude Katniss sleeping restfully by his side seemed out of character. Confused and, though he would never admit it...aroused, he flipped onto his back and began to rub his eyes with the palm of his hand. <em>

"_Hey." _

_Peeta nearly jumped out of his skin at Katniss' voice. She let out a quick laugh at his violent reaction. She lay on her side, smiling up at him. Slowly she reached over and took his hand in hers. Making sure Peeta was watching, she kissed every knuckle. _

"_Katniss." Peeta whispered, his voice husky from sleep and excitement. "What is going on? Where are we?" _

_Katniss stared at him with wide eyes._

"_The Hunger Games." _

"_No. No we completed the Hunger Games! Twice!" Peeta croaked, growing frantic._

"_Hey! It's okay Peeta! You fell and hit your head! You're just confused."_

"_No, I'm not Katniss! You and I live together in a house by the sea! We're safe!"_

_Katniss smiled sadly at Peeta's attempt at conviction. _

"_Oh my dear Peeta. We're not safe I'm afraid." _

"_Because we're in the Hunger Games?"_

"_No." Katniss whispered, lovingly caressing the side of his face with a warm hand. "No, it's not safe because you love me."_

_Peeta grasped her hand tightly in his own._

"_Katniss, what do you mean? What's going on?"_

"_You love me Peeta. More than you love your family. More than your friendships. More than your own life."_

"_And we're not safe because of that?"_

"_No. **You're** not safe because of that."_

_Peeta's blood suddenly ran cold and he quickly let go of her hand, although her's remained on his cheek._

"_What do you mean, Katniss?"_

"_I let you love me. And I let you think I loved you back."_

"_But you don't?"_

_She smiled and shook her head._

"_I hate you. There is nothing that gives me more pleasure than watching you suffer."_

"_Fuck off Katniss! This isn't real! This isn't real!" Peeta began to wail, and desperately flail his body out of the suddenly impossibly tight sleeping bag. _

"_You're going to die Peeta. And I'm going to be the one to kill you. I just wanted to see the look in your eyes, right before I rip you to pieces." She smiled, hand still on his face._

* * *

><p>"GET OFF ME! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" Peeta screamed, wildly throwing his fists into any part of surface he could find.<p>

"Peeta! Peeta!" Katniss shouted, trying to deflect the blows while at the same time, trying to get closer to his feverish body.

Peeta's eyes sprung open and frantically darted around the dark bedroom.

"Peeta stop! Please! It's not real! It's a nightmare! Please!"

At the sound of Katniss' voice, Peeta began to panic.

"FUCK YOU! GET OFF ME! SOMEONE HELP ME!" He reached over and pulled her hair. Katniss let out a shriek of pain.

Suddenly, Peeta began to twist and convulse. His bright blue eyes, once wide with manic, rolled to the back of his head. Katniss felt her own eyes grow wide, and her hands hovered over his heaving body, unsure of what was happening. He looked like some of the people that her mother treated for seizures, but she had absolutely no idea of what to do to help.

"Peeta!" She wailed, completely helpless to what was happening.

And suddenly, his shaking stopped.

Peeta's body lay motionless on the bed. His eyes were wide and unseeing, but his chest moved up and down. Katniss' heart was pounding, and she felt herself shaking with fear and confusion. What just happened? Was Peeta still alive? Gingerly, she leaned forward to Peeta's parted mouth. She felt his breath cool upon her cheek. So he was still alive.

"P-Peeta?" She whispered, slowly moving her hand to his cheek.

That seemed to snap Peeta out of his silence, as he grasped for her hand and his eyes began to dart back and forth to examine his surroundings.

"Peeta, it's okay! I swear it's going to be okay."

These words seemed to comfort Peeta, as he stopped thrashing around, but his breathing remained quick and labored.

"Katniss." He whispered. "Katniss. Katniss. Katniss."

With every mention of her name, his breathing slowed. The pair locked wide, frantic eyes as they faced the reality together.

They remained silent together in the dark room. Their gazes locked on each other. Katniss, with her hand upon Peeta's feverish cheek, his hair matted to his forehead. When Katniss reached up with her other hand to brush his hair back from his face, he quickly caught it.

"Peeta-"

She spoke, frightened at what he might do. But he never took his eyes off hers, as he held her by the wrist. She could tell he was finally aware of his surroundings. The understanding in his eyes slowly filtered back. They breathed together, quickly and desperately. Slowly, Peeta's eyes wandered to the hand still on his cheek, and back to her eyes once more. This time when there gaze met, Katniss saw something different in his eyes. A question. Slowly, he reached up with his other hand to clasp the one on his cheek, and placed it in front of his face.

She watched him curiously, and with a twinge of unease. He was examining her hand, as if checking to see if it was real. Once he seemed to complete his inspection, he met her gaze and delicately kissed each knuckle of her hand. The reaction startled her, but she held his eyes, her own eyebrows furrowed. It was as if he was waiting for some kind of signal from her. But Katniss did not know what the gesture meant.

"Stay with me." He whispered, his breath tickling her skin.

"You pulled my hair." She grumbled, her scalp stinging as she thought of his violent reaction.

"Peeta, what just happened? You were seizing."

"I was being electrocuted." He said casually.

"Excuse me?" Katniss barked, completely surprised .

"My nightmare triggered a hallucination. I put you in harm. When I hurt you, I was electrocuted. Just a shock. Enough to bring me to my senses and get the hallucination out of my system."

"I don't understand any of this!" Katniss said, suddenly furious.

"When I was being shocked, I saw District Thirteen doctors speaking to me. Almost like there was a screen in front of my eyes. And they were saying, 'wake up now, wake up Peeta.' And I heard a voice telling me that it was 'Not Real.'"

Katniss rubbed her face with her hands, feeling overwhelmed and dangerously close to tears. What was going on with Peeta? And even though she knew he was not in control of his actions, she was furious at him for trying to hit her, and pulling her hair. The old Peeta would rather have faced Cato again than hurt her like that.

"I guess-" Peeta said, cutting off Katniss' hurt thoughts, "that Coin set up some kind of distress signal. If I was hurting you, then I'd get shocked. I guess that's what she meant when she said she took safety measures."

"You don't think there are cameras here, do you?" Katniss said, clearly distressed.

"No. But I do think that somehow they read my blood pressure, and are able to tell when I've had a hallucination. I don't think they shock me for my hallucinations, because they didn't when I was in recovery. But I think they can monitor when I'm in attack mode." Peeta whispered, running a hand over his face.

"I don't like this Peeta. I don't like the idea of them being able to control you and shock you like that!"

"Well it saved your life, didn't it?" Peeta suddenly snapped. Katniss' jaw clenched as the two glared at each other.

"What were you doing here anyway?" He asked.

"I heard you screaming."

"From across the house?"

"It's a small house. And I wasn't asleep."

"Why not."

"I just...the nightmares. I would rather not sleep than experience them." She whispered, still glaring at Peeta.

"You're going to have to sleep eventually." Peeta rolled his eyes.

"I'll try my best not to."

"Surely there is something you can do to have a good sleep without those nightmares."

"Yes." Katniss spoke, and her gaze became neutral. "We used to sleep together."

Peeta's eyes grew wide.

"What?"

"No. You and I, that's all we did. We'd just sleep together. It stopped us from having nightmares."

Peeta pondered this recent grain of knowledge Katniss gave.

"No nightmares?"

She shook her head.

"Stay with me." He repeated again. This time, with desperation.

"My head hurts." Katniss glared, while rubbing a sore spot from the strain on her long braid.

"Please. If you stay with me, I won't have a nightmare. If I don't have a nightmare, I won't have a hallucination. If I don't have a hallucination, you get to live one more day." Peeta smirked, but Katniss rolled her eyes.

"Shut up and scoot over, Mellark."

Peeta rolled to one side of the bed while Katniss slipped under the covers and gracefully as a cat.

It was quiet for a while until Peeta spoke.

"You want me to suffer. Real or not real?"

Katniss closed her eyes and willed not to shudder at the thought.

"Peeta, even after you swung your fists and me and yanked my hair, while you were being shocked, I was absolutely terrified I would lose you. Not real."

She turned to him to find his eyes already fixed on her own.

Eventually their eyes fluttered, but they remained facing each other.

The nightmares never came.

It was a comfort, at least knowing the other was in the same room, even if the distance between them seemed miles apart. They were treading the distance together, and Katniss could almost begin to feel it grow smaller with each breath Peeta took.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey guys! As I wrote in the previous author note, I am officially back in school, with classes in full swing. I have a super intense major, and this leaves me little to no down time ever, but I am fully dedicated to this story, and so happy with the feedback I've been given! Stick with me and I promise I will never let you go more than a week without a new chapter. Thank you so much for your patience!

The first thing that Katniss noticed was the tickle of her baby hair against the nape of her slender neck. The smell of something masculine filled her nostrils, making her eyelids flutter. It was the scent that made the memories of last night. The scent of man, woods, and fresh bread. _Peeta._

The sweetness of their night together after the fight was almost enough to forget the fight in the first place.

Almost.

She wrinkled her nose at the thought. Even though they had whispered sweet conversations over a darkened mattress, and even though Peeta had let her come closer than they'd ever been since his return from the Capitol, it didn't excuse the momentary lapse of sanity. Peeta had completely lost all barrings of reality, and it terrified Katniss. There was no amount of sweet gestures Peeta could offer to make Katniss forget that he had swung his fists, and had it not been for her natural reflexes, she might have felt the strength of the blow. And then, there was the hair pulling. For some reason, it was the pulling of the hair that really made her skin crawl. It was dirty, and scrappy. Peeta was obviously desperate if he was eger to harm her in any way possible. Even by compromising her femininity by using her token braided hair to inflict that pain.

Swiftly, she squeezed her eyes shut and willed for the harsh feelings washing over, to be squelched.

It was obvious Peeta was desperate. She could only imagine the kind of horror he was put through by the hands of the Capitol.

Slowly, she reached down to Peeta's large hand resting on her flat stomach. His hands were warm, and loose from a dreamless sleep. She could feel his breath on her neck, and as if reading her thoughts, Peeta gently nuzzled the nape of her neck. He was so close to her physically, but she could never seem to reach him.

She delicately rolled over, her hands clasped between their bodies. In his sleep, Peeta was flawless. The sun filtered onto his face and made his blond curls glow. The deep bruises beneath his eyes were covered by his thick lashes which kissed his cheeks. His jaw was relaxed, his mouth slightly parted. His lips were full and flushed. Katniss suddenly fought the urge to feel them with her own. In his sleep, he looked harmless, and a lot like the old Peeta. The Peeta that she used to know.

Fury for the Capitol washed over her, unbridled and unyielding. More than Rue's death, or Gale's indifference, or even the bombing of her own district. She was furious that the Capitol had taken someone so pure and good. A truly good person from the inside out, and turned him into an unpredictable monster. He was ruined. The only thing stronger than her current hatred was her absolute sorrow. The devastation that Peeta was no longer someone she could recognize ate away at her insides. Peeta was no longer someone on an unreachable level of goodness. He was tainted. Damaged. The Capitol had made him human.

"Peeta?" Kaniss whispered.

Peeta didn't stir. Slowly, Katniss closed her eyes. After breathing deeply, she found the strength she needed to say exactly what was on her mind.

"Peeta...things are different now. You're different. And I can't help but hate that. You see...you were always so good. And I don't mean at baking or painting or influencing an entire nation. I mean, your soul. You're soul was so good. It was one of the reasons I knew I could always trust you. And I never trust. It was also the reason I knew I could never love you the way you loved me. I would destroy you. I would ruin everything. I could never tell how to help you through that love for me. Do I go with it and give it a chance for you? Knowing all along that I would just end up disappointing you? Or do I push you away from me, and hope that the separation helps you heal? I just don't know. And I still don't. All I know is that no matter how much I try and distance myself from you, I just end up missing you even more. And I hate that. I hate myself for giving you all these mixed signals. It was probably killing you inside. It was killing me too. What you might have seen as indifference or even someone who had only their interests at heart...that was me trying to sort myself out for you. I mean...it's me. It's always been me. I've always been trying to help you, but I just make a mess out of everything. Seeing you deal with my conflicting emotions, it hurts me so badly. I wanted to give your heart a break. But you're heart is too big-"

Her voice caught in her throat, and she viciously fought to fight back tears. Clearing her throat, she took a shaky breath and continued.

"-you're heart is too big, Peeta. And I thought that it would ultimately be your downfall. But that's not true anymore. It's the Capitol. I'm so scared they ruined you forever, Peeta. And I miss you. God. There, I said it. I miss you so much. The person you used to be. Not this man I am terrified of, yet desperate for his attention. For his approval. You seem so far away from me, and I can't find you. I'm so scared you'll never find your way back to me. But that's selfish of me to feel that way. Because maybe you being so far away from me is the best thing. Because God knows what I'll do if you fall in love with me again. I'll be elated. I'll open my arms to you and embrace everything that you are, flaws and all. And I'll hate myself every step of the way. I'll be devastated. Because I love you, Peeta. I do. The way I love Prim, and Gale. And because I love you, I know that I'll continue doing what I've been doing to you. And I'm not sure what is worse for you. The Capitol's torture, or the torture I inflict upon you. Peeta, please. I miss you."

Katniss had to stop, because now nothing could hold back her tears. She felt weak and stupid, and was thankful that Peeta's eyes were still closed.

"Ugh!" She huffed, and ran a hand over her swollen eyes. She couldn't stay in the room any longer with Peeta, or else she would lose it and just embarrass herself. Gently, she removed Peeta's arm from her waist and tiptoed out of the room.

It wasn't until he was sure he heard the door close behind her that Peeta opened his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm absolutely floored by the response to this story! This was probably my favorite chapter to write so far. So without further adieu, I present chapter five! Enjoy!**

The soft green waves gently swept the gray sand beneath Peeta's feet. All around him, the signs of day began to slip away.

The sun began to sink into the darkening horizon, and the further the large orange orb sunk, Peeta's heart began to do the same.

All day he'd been avoiding Katniss. Avoiding all thought and reason. Avoiding what he felt about her confession that she had not realized he'd been conscious for.

_Katniss._

He breathed in her name, and his eyes shut out the sunset. Her name slithered seductively across his tongue. And he saw her haunted silver eyes, her full lips. Her eyebrows furrowed in a silent protest against the world.

_Katniss. _Who he could neither identify as a friend or a lover or even a foe. She simply existed in his life now, despite his efforts to keep her or leave her. He still wasn't certain which he'd be happier with.

_Katniss._ Who loved him. But in what way? In the way that he used to feel for her? Or in the deep yet platonic way that loved all those in her life that she felt she could not survive without?

All day they had tiptoed around each other. As soon as he would enter a room, she would swiftly exit. No doubt humiliated with her confession, regardless if she was aware that he was awake for it. Peeta wondered if they would play this game of cat and mouse the entire time they lived in the safe house. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take.

He wasn't sure if he hated her, or desperately didn't want her to leave him alone.

One thing he was sure of, she induced a fiery feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't shake. She left him crazy with anxiety. She made him feel human and more confused than he ever remembered being in his life.

_Katniss_. Her warm body pushed up against his in the early morning light. Her thick dark hair that fell in waves to her waist. Catlike, lethal, dangerous, loving, burning, friend, victor, mutt.

His hands began to shake, and he placed the heel of his palms into his closed eyelids. He pushed until it was painful. But the image did not fade.

The girl on fire was burned into them forever.

* * *

><p>Katniss looked out the kitchen window at Peeta watching the sun set. The colors leaked into the sparse walls of the safe house, and stained them with warm hues. Despite the colors, she felt cold. Empty. She watched a man who looked like he was alone in the world, standing on a beach.<p>

Remembering nothing. Seeing to much.

The tide began to come in, and she watched as the ocean began to lap at his feet.

She continued to watch as she slunk further back into the shadows that were consuming the house. Further back still until her eyes gleamed in the dark and she drank in the sight of Peeta with the ocean at his feet.

Vulnerable Peeta who looked like he could disappear at any moment.

She prayed that he wouldn't wash away.

* * *

><p>Women in frilly dresses of vibrant colors swirled around a marble hall. A Capitol man with magenta hair provided the audience with play by play commentary of their fashions, who just spilled their drink, and what well known figure just arrived at the party.<p>

Katniss watched with a mixture of disgust and amusement. It was trivial, this television show. But she knew that the people of the Capitol ate this broadcast up with fervor.

The soft glow of the television was the only light that illuminated the dark room.

She was curled up on the soft couch with a blanket and her hand in a bowl filled with popcorn. She nearly died of shock when she found it in the stocked pantry. She had popcorn at the Capitol and fell in love with the buttery snack. She didn't think that district thirteen would ever think to stock the kitchen with popcorn.

Unfortunately, she had burned the snack while letting it pop over the kitchen fire.

She still ate it anyway.

She was from twelve, after all, and food was food, regardless of its preparations.

Old habits die hard.

Currently, the magenta haired man was interviewing on of the recent guests at the lavish Capitol party.

"_And here we have our beautiful Andromina! Darling! Do show the viewers what you're wearing!"_

With a spin, the giggling young woman displayed a elaborate ball gown, complete with a eye catching front, which cut past her exposed cleavage and ended all the way to her belly button.

"Ugh!" Katniss rolled her eyes and shoveled popcorn in her mouth.

"_Sweetie, so glad you're here! Now, tell us how your life is going!"_

"_I'm wonderful! Mommy and Daddy took me to such wonderful places this summer!"_

"_Fabulous! Anyone at this party you're hoping to see?"_

"_Yes! But I already know he won't be in attendance."_

"_No? Tell us who the lucky man is that's caught your eye!"_

Katniss could practically hear Octavia squealing with anticipation at her answer. Captiol women were so shallow.

"_Oh, just Peeta Mellark." _

Katniss nearly choked on her popcorn and sat up straight, eyes bulging. Did she just hear that correctly?

"_Ah! Don't let Katniss hear you say that!" _The man laughed, and the woman joined in.

"_He's so charming and handsome! I always hope to see him at Capitol parties!"_ She tinkered.

"Well you're not even his type!" Katniss snarled at the television possessively.

"I don't know. She seems like hot stuff to me."

Katniss whipped her head around so fast she cracked her neck.

"Christ Peeta!"

Peeta stood with his arms crossed, smirking in a dark corner of the room.

"How long have you been standing there, you creep?"

"Long enough."

If he kept smirking like that, she was going to slap it right off his face.

Slowly, he sauntered over to where she was sitting on the couch, and lifting up her legs, created space for his body.

"How long have you been watching meaningless televised Capitol parties?" He asked.

"Too long." Katniss growled, and with that, changed the channel.

They sat in silence as Katniss flipped through meaningless channels. Silently, with her free hand, she picked up the bowl of popcorn and handed it to Peeta. Without looking away from the screen, he reached down and took a handful and threw them back into his mouth.

"Argk! Ew, Katniss, these are burnt!" He said, sticking his tongue out and making smacking noises with his mouth.

Katniss couldn't help but smirk.

"I can't believe you found popcorn though." Peeta said, reluctantly reaching for another handful.

They sat there together for another five minutes in silence, Katniss still flipping channels, until Peeta swiftly reached over and snatched the remote out of her hand.

"Hey!" She growled in indignation.

"You suck at finding channels."

He said this so nonchalantly that she let out a casual laugh. It surprised both of them and they looked at each other with wide eyes, illuminated from the soft glow of the screen. Slowly, Katniss raised her fingertips to her lips as if she couldn't believe the sound escaped her, and let a crooked smile slip onto her features.

Peeta's eyes began to crinkle at the corners, and he allowed himself a small smile as well.

"I like your laugh. It sounds young and girly."

Katniss blushed at his assessment.

"Thank you."

"I can't remember the last time you laughed."

"It's because I don't laugh. Come to think of it, I haven't heard you laugh in a long time."

"How long?"

"Since-" Katniss began, but immediately stopped, eyes wide.

"Since when?"

"...since you returned from the Capitol." She whispered, and dropped her gaze to the blanket covering her legs.

It was quiet for a moment, as her words hung heavy in the air.

"You're right." Peeta said.

Katniss looked up to see his face illuminated.

"She's not my type."

This time, Katniss couldn't help the grin that spread across her face.

"Oh yeah?" She smiled.

Peeta grinned back, and slowly lifted a hand the back of her neck.

"Yeah." He breathed, and gave her neck a gentle squeeze.

Katniss felt her own breath catch in her throat. The hand on the base of her neck didn't feel threatening. On the contrary, it felt...good.

His hand was big and warm. She felt secure with it there. But with that security came nerves of an entirely new kind. For the first time, she wasn't nervous about his hand on her neck, easily able to restrict her airway. She began to feel hungry. Painfully, her stomach lurched and she bit down hard on her bottom lip to stop the groan from seeping out of her throat.

"Katniss? Are you alright?" Peeta asked, his eyebrows scrunched together.

In the reflected television light, she could see half of his face illuminated. The other was thrown in shadow. She looked at his soft fringe, brushing past his dark eyebrows. His icy blue eyes staring into hers. His thick lashes. His chiseled jawline clench and unclench. His straight nose, and his full lips, slightly parted.

"I'm fine." She whispered, but her voice betrayed her and cracked.

Slowly Peeta removed his hand, sliding it down her back.

_Breathe, Katniss. _She internally scolded.

This feeling was completely bizarre to her, though she vaguely recognized it. The starting of that burning, hungry feeling. Like the time on the beach at the Quarter Quell, and in the very first Hunger Games, when they were alone in the cave. The feeling she never shared with anyone before.

Peeta reached down to her lap to spread the blanket across his own legs, and turned his attention back to the screen.

Katniss watched him in a daze as he began to flip through channels. She knew that he was aware she was watching him, and he was watching the television. But his eyes never left the screen. And she was thankful for that.

* * *

><p>She woke up to his heart beat. Peeta was beneath her, one leg between his two, and her other raised around his hip. Her head rested on his chest. The blanket covered her body. The television was still on and the night was still young.<p>

Tentatively, she raised her head to see if Peeta was awake. Her gray eyes met his vivid blue, as she breathed, inches away from his face.

She opened her mouth to appologize. For what she wasn't sure.

For falling asleep?

For resting on his body rather provocatively?

But as soon as she opened her mouth, she stopped.

He was breathing heavily, his eyes wide. He looked furious and wild and she realized with an instant force that she was not afraid. He would not hurt her.

"Kiss me." She whispered, and closed the space in between them.

The kiss was soft and warm, and they breathed into each others mouths. They tasted burnt popcorn and sunsets and promises never intended to be kept.

Peeta's hands crept up into her hair, and he held on tightly. She felt her own hands slither to cup his face.

Gently, Peeta's tongue wet her lips and she groaned, opening her mouth to allow him entrance.

The kiss was slow but smoldering, as they both felt each other give and take. Katniss felt like she was literally the girl on fire.

His tongue was smooth and calculated, gentle yet firm.

"Peeta." She moaned.

Peeta's eyes immediately snapped open at the mention of his name.

He pulled her face away from his with the grip he had on the base of her hair and she could see immediately what he felt. It was all over his face.

"Katniss. Why are you doing this to me?" He hissed.

Hatred.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I love you all! This is a super short one, but an update will be really quick!**

"PEETA!" Katniss wailed, slamming her fists repeatedly on Peeta's bedroom door.

"PEETA PLEASE! I'M SORRY!"

She felt that tight burning in the pit of her stomach, but this time it was not out of pleasure.

Guilt, searing and white hot coursed through her veins.

Rue.

The uprisings.

Gale.

So much destruction, and completely and totally her fault.

There was nothing she could do that took away her latest actions.

She had probably confused Peeta more than ever. And she hated herself for it.

Peeta was a ticking time bomb. He was hovering at the brink, flirting with insanity and she feared she had completely knocked him over the ledge with the kiss.

"Peeta!" She groaned, and slapped her palms on the wooden door.

"God! Peeta, please come out!"

Inside she could hear the crashing of objects and Peeta's furious screams. She was both terrified of him, and consumed by the need to be by his side at this very moment.

She sunk to her knees as tears fell over her cheeks. Her hands were raw and bright red from her relentless pounding.

"Peeta." She sobbed. "I never meant to hurt you, I need you! Peeta, please!"

She continued to listen to the sound of Peeta roaring and the shattering of glass and wood.

Would Peeta hurt himself?

Would he throw himself into a bad hallucination?

She cried until her eyes felt like they would swell shut, and she curled her legs to her chest, her head in between her knees.

The nausea, and confusion, fear and desperation was overwhelming.

Peeta, who she cared about so deeply.

Peeta, who stood by her side, no matter what.

The Peeta who held her at night and comforted her.

Her rock. Her yellowed, dandelion hope.

That Peeta was lost forever.

* * *

><p>She feel her heartbeat in her head.<p>

Slowly, she could see dawn breaking on the white cottage walls.

The white walls were spinning.

Lifting her hands, she could see blood beneath her fingernails.

Heartbeat pounding.

Peeta.

Lost forever.

White walls.

The crash of fury behind the closed door, and Peeta, wailing until the sun began to rise.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Another short one, but I thought it was important to end it with a cliff hanger. Then I promise I will write the longest chapter yet! And it will come very soon! =]**

It was the silence, heavy and eerie, that woke Katniss.

Gingerly, she rose from her fetal position at the base of Peeta's heavy wooden door. Her neck was aching, and her limbs were asleep.

She could barley open her swollen eyes.

Her head was pounding furiously.

"Peeta." She breathed, choking on his name.

It burned her tongue.

The walls were gleaming, and it appeared to be a beautiful day outside. Warm, sunny.

The irony was not lost on Katniss.

The house was stony in its silence, and Katniss pressed her good ear to the door, hearing nothing.

Fleetingly, she thought maybe she should just leave. Give Peeta his space. Don't open the door to whatever she might find. She wasn't sure she could handle it.

But Katniss immediately squashed the idea. There was no way she would be satisfied until she could see Peeta, regardless of his reaction. She needed him.

She was selfish in that way.

And so, with great sensitivity, she raised a shaking hand to the doorknob and slowly turned.

Peeta was laying on the floor with his back to her, his legs curled into his chest. Around him, wreckage from the night littered the hardwood floor. If he heard her open the door, he didn't move.

Maybe he was asleep.

Katniss stood in the doorway, drinking in the sight.

Picture frames, shattered. Vases. Night stands overturned, curtains ripped. To the far left, a chair was flipped over, one wooden leg hanging dangerously by a sliver, dangling in the breeze from the open window.

"Oh Peeta." She whispered, and felt her eyes immediately well up.

She fought her best to fight them.

She was so weak. She cried constantly. And this wasn't about her. It was about Peeta now.

Carefully, she stepped over the broken furniture until she stood directly behind his back. Peeta still didn't move.

"Peeta?" She whimpered.

Nothing.

"Peeta."

Still, he remained motionless.

Was he asleep?

She slowly sunk to her knees, and reached out a hand to shake his shoulder.

But then she felt it.

Her hand froze in mid air.

How had she not smelled it?

It seeped into her jeans. Warm and wet.

Her heart dropped wildly into her stomach, and she struggled to breathe.

"PEETA!" She screamed, quickly flipping his body onto his back.

Peeta was pale, his eyes half lidded and dead.

His lips were cracked, and partially opened.

She didn't have to search hard to find it. His whole side was covered in blood.

It was flowing from his head.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: This is probably my favorite chapter. Next one will be even longer! Happy Valentines Day! ;) **

_Breathe._

Her hands flew to his face, one hand struggling to find a pulse in his neck, the other placed under his nose to feel for exhalation.

_Breathe._

Swiftly, she reached beneath his arms to pull his torso to hers. His head flopped down to her shoulder.

_Breathe._

"Peeta." She whispered, pulling his head back, both hands cradling his neck as her eyes flew wildly across his face.

Her fingers danced across his cheeks, tickled his open lips, used his ears to tilt his head to her. Her hand hovered and shook over the open wound on his skull, still bleeding profusely.

His eyes were unfocused. Unseeing.

He was dead.

"HELP ME!" Katniss shrieked at the top of her lungs.

"SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!"

Throat burning, eyes bulging, screaming, sobbing, shouting.

Two bodies, shaking.

_Peeta, breathe._

"Peeta! Peeta!" Katniss called, voice shaking.

She slapped his cheek.

Nothing.

She slapped it again.

Peeta gave a grunt, and his eyes rolled to the back of his head.

If only Prim or her mother was here! She was completely unaware of what she should do.

What would they do?

She had no medicine, and no one was stepping in to help.

_They would stop the blood flow._

The idea sprung to her mind immediately.

Frantically, Katniss ripped the sleeve of her shirt, and carefully wrapped it around his skull.

Warm blood gushed from his wound, and colored the blue of her sleeve a dark purple.

She could continue to stop the blood flow, but his unresponsive actions were frightening.

_They would try to get him to stay awake and coherent. _

"Peeta! Peeta, please!" She shouted, shaking his shoulders.

Peeta's body continued to lay limp in her arms.

She suddenly knew what she had to do.

Gently she tried to lift his body with her arms, but Peeta was too heavy, and she was too small.

"Fuck!" She whimpered, and lowered him to the floor.

Grabbing his hands, she dragged his body through the damaged items into the bathroom.

"Please. Oh Please!" She begged to no one in particular, as she grunted and used all of her strength to hoist Peeta into the bathtub.

Once his body was in the porcelain tomb, she turned the knob of the shower, searching for the coldest water setting.

As soon as the water hit him, Peeta began to choke and sputter.

His head wasn't elevated.

Katniss gasped and climbed in behind him, spooning with her legs on either side of his wet body. She pulled him to her chest, his head flopping on her shoulder.

"Peeta!" She cried, no longer caring about showing any weakness.

Peeta's head rolled back and forth on his neck, and he began to moan and whimper.

She reached below his arms for his chin, trying to steady his head.

Her sobs bounced of the tiled room, as the cold water continued to beat down on their bodies.

Turning his face towards hers, she searched for his eyes.

His eyes that would show some kind of life.

Any recognition at all.

Peeta's eyes began to flutter, and his focus faded in and out, until finally,

blissfully,

thankfully,

they landed on hers.

"Peeta." She whimpered, her lips trembling. Her face scrunched from her untamed emotions.

She saw the flicker of recognition.

Life.

His eyes widened, and then...

he began to whimper too.

She watched in both horror and insurmountable joy as Peeta whimpered and his lips shook.

His eyes turned red from tears that streamed down his face.

Both his tears, and her tears, hidden by the beads of water raining down on their bodies.

She sobbed harder.

Propping him up, their eyes never breaking contact. Watching the other loose all control.

Peeta was alive.

She mumbled his name over and over again like a prayer.

Katniss ran her hands over his face, pushed his wet hair back from his forehead.

She began to kiss every surface of skin on his face she could find, as Peeta began to wail.

Their bodies convulsed together from the cold.

Shaking, kissing, crying.

"Oh Peeta!" Katniss sobbed.

"Oh Peeta. You're alive! You're alive!"

Her hands shook, her voice quivered.

Peeta hung his head and continued to sob. His whole body shook violently.

His voice shook as he tried to speak.

The pounding of the water and the breaking of his voice was too loud for her to hear.

"What?" She cried, continuing to brush his curls out of his eyes.

He tried again, but she still couldn't hear.

She shook her head, indicating she didn't understand.

"You're alive! Peeta!" She cried and watched as his blood began to stain the water around them, mixing and flowing down the drain.

Things were okay.

Peeta was alive, and the bad blood was leaving.

Things would return to normal.

She looked to his face again, this time smiling through her relentless tears, but he avoided her eyes, his miserable wailing filling the room.

Peeta choked over his words, his voice cracking, but this time she understood him completely.

"I wish I wasn't."

* * *

><p>The sun was warm as it beat down on Peeta's body.<p>

With his eyes closed, he pretended that he was in the meadow of District Twelve. His brothers horsing around in the distance.

He could almost smell the freshly baked bread in the heavy air.

It was almost enough to make him forget.

Slowly, he opened his eyes to his reality.

The sky was cloudless, and a brilliant blue.

The sun was white hot, heating the gray sand beneath his body.

Waves crashed and sea grass blew in the subtle breeze.

Turning his head, he observed Katniss, observing him.

Her hair surrounded her body, loose from any braid.

It dried in the sun, gathering sand in its tresses.

Her chest slowly rose and fell.

She looked pale and her dark circles stood out more than usual.

It was her eyes that made him old his gaze.

They were locked on him.

Unblinking and haunted.

Silver in the light, with a dark gray circle surrounding the color. Around the iris, green.

Her long lashes were still stuck together from the water.

It was the way that she was looking at him.

Like if she took her eyes off of him, he would disappear completely.

And he knew,

almost immediately,

that she loved him.

That she cared about him more than anything in this world.

That she would never, never leave him now.

It hit him like a punch to his stomach and he suddenly felt sick.

He fought the feeling of bursting into frantic tears.

He turned his head from her and covered his eyes with a large hand so she wouldn't see him cry.

He had to turn away from her gaze,

because he knew she would never turn away from him now.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I love every single one of you! Thank you so much for all your encouragement! If you are confused or have a question about the story, the question will not matter in the next few chapters. Every opened ended question will have an answer, I promise! Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Every day was a struggle.<p>

Every single god damned day.

Peeta's world was slowly caving in, and Katniss was doing the best she could under the circumstances.

But it was never enough.

He couldn't eat.

He never slept.

His head was constantly pounding.

Sure, Katniss tried to take care of him. She would attempt to cook. Help him dry his hair after a shower. Made him leave the house to take walks along the beach before sunset. One day she had tiptoed into his bedroom at night, asking to stay with him.

And he'd let her.

Not for his piece of mind, but for hers.

But it wasn't enough.

Peeta felt long gone.

* * *

><p>Everyday Peeta got worse.<p>

Katniss watched with growing alarm as he deteriorated right in front of her very eyes.

It wasn't enough to nurse him back to health anymore.

More than she ever had before,

Katniss felt helpless.

* * *

><p>"What are you up to?" She asked, knocking on his open door.<p>

Peeta's back was to her, hunched over.

She could see the muscle beneath his shirt, once moving with fluid motion, suddenly freeze at her question.

He cleared his throat before slowly turning to face her.

From his profile, she could see the dark circles beneath his eyes, and the scruff that adorned his chin. He kept his eyes down as he spoke.

"I'm trying to draw, but it's not working."

It was a sudden moment of normalcy, and Katniss was eager to keep it.

She walked over to Peeta and stood behind his shoulder to get a better look at what he was sketching, expecting to see scenes from the games. A picture of the ocean. A picture of herself. Or landscape.

Instead, her eyes met with a blank white page.

"Oh." She breathed, and before it escaped her mouth, she could hear the disappointed tone.

She hoped Peeta didn't notice.

But he did.

He looked up at her with weary and defeated eyes.

"Your shoulders were moving when I knocked on the door."

"I was trying to create the picture in my head first. But nothing is coming out."

She brushed back his blond locks and tried not to feel that sinking emotion in the pit of her stomach.

"Let's take a nap."

Gently, she took the papers from his hands and set them down on the now immaculate floor that she and Peeta spent hours cleaning after his tantrum.

She then reached for his hand to help him stand. He towered above her, looking down into her eyes with no emotion. She reached for the base of his tee shirt and slowly pulled it over his head.

"Come on." She whispered, fighting hard to ignore the fast beating of her heart, and lead him into his bed.

It was normal for the two of them to take naps during the day.

Peeta was always sluggish and tired, even though he never closed his eyes.

And Katniss was physically and emotionally drained from trying to take care of the both of them.

It had been a week since Peeta had his melt down and things were certainly different, although Katniss couldn't say it was different for the better.

It had been a week of uncomfortable silence.

It made the air around them crackle with anxiety.

At least before, although uncomfortable, Peeta had been showing progress.

She was getting used to the new Peeta.

Together they were learning to adapt.

But now, now Peeta had changed again.

He was constantly surprising her, throwing her for a loop.

Every time she thought she had him pinned,

every time he seemed to awaken from some strange dream that he couldn't escape,

every time she felt she finally had a grasp on his elusive figure,

every time she felt him beneath her outstretched hands,

he morphed and transformed and before she knew it,

flew away.

Right out from under her fingertips.

She watched as the mid morning sun illuminated Peeta's face.

"Will you ever tell me what happened that night?" She whispered.

"Maybe someday." Peeta whispered back.

"What's there to hide from me?"

"Everything."

The answer came so casually, that Katniss blinked away her surprise.

"I wish you wouldn't hide any of it, Peeta."

"Why."

"You know why."

_Yes. Because you love me. _Peeta thought. _Because you want to take care of me forever._

He felt more tired than he ever had before.

Somewhere, a stirring settled deep into his veins.

If she would have confessed her love for him when he wasn't tainted with Capitol corruption.

Maybe things would have been different. Maybe they would be in District twelve right now, laughing and kissing effortlessly.

Maybe they would be lying the exact way they were now, facing each other.

Searching the other's eyes for answers. Only this time, Katniss would have a ring on her finger.

His stomach twisted at the thought.

What would he say if she confessed it now?

Would he be elated? Furious? Confused?

Right now, all he wanted to do was close his eyes and sleep forever.

"Please look at me." He heard her whisper.

He was suddenly terrified to raise his eyes to hers.

He was terrified of what she might see.

Even more terrified of what she might say.

"Remember that time on the train, before we first entered the Captiol, and Haymitch drank so much that he couldn't move. And his sick was all over?"

Peeta scrunched his eyebrows and finally looked at her.

That was...unexpected.

"Yes. It was disgusting."

"Yeah, and we barely knew him. We were thrown together, strangers for the moment. Acquaintances at best, and we'd just been sentenced to our deaths. I was consumed with my own thoughts, and Haymitch with his desires. And you took care of Haymitch. You barely knew him, and you washed him and nursed him to health, all by yourself. You were the only one who had been through exactly what the was just experienced, and was selfless enough to still consider someone else. You have always been that way."

"I forgot about that."

"Of course you did. You don't think of how special you are."

"It must hurt you that I'm not that way anymore."

"That's not true. You are. Still. You're Peeta Mellark. And I know you from the inside out. And if there is anyone that can overcome what you went through, it would be you."

"I'm not sure I want to talk about this."

"Peeta, it's time we do talk about it."

"Why? You've never been the one to share how you really feel. You've never been the one to initiate these intimate moments. Why now?" Peeta growled.

"Because these past weeks have changed me. It's just you and I now, and I've lost too much already. We've cheated death so many times. We've seen the other at our worst and best. I die every time I think I'm going to lose you! After the first hunger games, when they took you away from me after the games ended. When you ran into that force field, and your heart stopped. We've even shared the lie of a child that we created together. Just talk to me. Like we used to."

"I heard your confession. The morning you thought I was still asleep."

It slipped out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Katniss' eyes widened immediately, and Peeta could hear her sharp intake of breath.

"Oh God."

She sat up, and threw the blanket off of her body.

"Katniss wait!" Peeta called.

"Now you know!" She wailed, crossing her arms over her chest and pacing frantically through the room.

"Now you know! You know don't you? You heard what I said. But things are different now. Now, I mean it differently than what I said before. I do. You know I do, but it's different now. I'm different. And so are you, and now I mean it in a different way too. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm trying so hard, but I don't know what I'm saying. But you understand me. You know what I'm trying to tell you. You know now. You know that don't you?"

Peeta watched her wringing her hands, and shooting him looks and pacing and he could feel the tension and anxiety radiating off of her. And somewhere, deep within all that emotion, he could feel what she had been trying to repress. It showed its face just briefly. It was a glimmer and he held on to it before she could bury it back down again.

It was hope.

"Yes." He breathed, his eyes drinking in all that he could see. His chest rising and falling with hers.

"Yes. I know."

"Ask me."

"You love me. And not the way you love Gale or Prim or your mother. You love me. You _love_ me."

Katniss froze, and Peeta watched with a mixture of fascination and horror as the stoic girl he was still trying to decipher,

the girl who killed animals without a second thought,

the girl who drugged him in order to save his life,

the girl who couldn't stop crying after his heartbeat came back,

the girl who faked her love for him in order to survive,

the girl who he had been madly in love with since he could remember,

the warrior,

the rebel,

the mockingjay,

began to cry.

What did he want her to say?

What was he expecting?

Would he even be able to reciprocate her feelings?

He was different now. Things had changed.

And there were still secrets. So many things he couldn't tell her.

Tears rolled down her cheeks and her eyebrows raised.

Her lips began to flush and swell, as they always did when she released any emotion.

"Real or not real?" Peeta whispered, his eyes so wide and vulnerable.

They watched each other from across the room.

Their breath suspended.

Time passed.

Was it a few seconds before Katniss reacted?

Or was it hours?

He watched her intake of breath,

her chest raise,

her eyes grow impossibly wide,

the flash of fear as her lips began to tremble and form the word,

"Real."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Ahhh! I'm sorry it took forever! So much has been going on in my life, and I had the biggest writers block, but I won't abandon this story! Thank you for being patient! I've never written anything this graphic before, so I'm a little flustered with how to handle it. I promise you that I have plenty of chapters to come very soon after this one! Be warned, it is rated M for a reason. Enjoy ;)**

* * *

><p>It felt like years.<p>

They both stopped breathing.

Katniss looked like she just saw Cato's ghost.

Peeta lost feeling in his fingers.

He was pretty sure his heart was about to pound right out of his skin.

His breath shook as he inhaled and whispered,

"Please."

And then next thing he knew,

he all but sprinted to her body,

and was all over her.

His mouth was on hers, and her hands were running up and down his back. It felt like everywhere she touched sent fire to his skin. She was trembling in his arms. Whether it was from fear, or some other deep seated desperation, he didn't know.

All he knew was that he was shaking so badly too.

Katniss.

The girl on fire.

The girl who encompassed his thoughts every minute of his day, and every hour of his night.

She was in his arms,

and finally,

finally,

she was his.

He didn't know what to think or how to explain,

so instead, he just felt.

It was like every single nerve in his body was lit and screaming.

* * *

><p>Katniss thought she was going to faint.<p>

"Oh God." She whimpered on his lips as she felt his hands vibrate all over her face and in her dark hair.

There was no stopping it now.

Whatever carnal instinct they just tapped into,

there was no way to stop it.

They were like that train they took to the Capitol.

Speeding ahead, faster than sound, and impossible to hinder its progress.

Peeta's mouth was so warm and inviting, but at the same time, it was demanding.

And for the first time, Katniss was willing to bend to any will of Peeta's.

Boldly, she ran her hands over his bare chest.

She was vaguely aware of small panting noises, and suddenly realized it was herself.

She didn't think she ever wanted anything so badly.

She could feel goosebumps rise all over her body, and she knew what had to happen.

So she pushed Peeta away from her and onto the bed.

For this brief moment, she was able to breathe and quickly saw the emotion all over Peeta's face.

His eyes were hooded and dark.

His lips were big and flushed.

His hair stuck out at odd angles, and his chest was heaving.

He wet his lips.

The flash of tongue was all the courage that Katniss needed.

So, in the light of mid morning, she undressed before him.

She was positive her entire face was red with both excitement and fear.

She stood shaking as she raised her shirt over her head.

She watched Peeta's eyes spark with desire as she unclasped her bra, and finally,

pulled off her pants and underwear.

* * *

><p>"Now you know." Katniss whispered, her beautiful breasts rising and swelling with each haggard breath she took.<p>

His eyes scanned from her toned legs,

to her flat stomach,

to her chest and delicate collerbone,

and finally to the most beautiful face he'd seen.

Her eyes were huge and dangerous.

She looked wild and completely untamed.

Peeta had never been so turned on in his whole life.

"Now you know." She repeated.

"Please." Peeta murmured, unable to take his eyes off of her.

"Please come to me."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: It's here. It's graphic. I hope you love it. **

* * *

><p>It was the 'please' that got her.<p>

When the word tumbled from Peeta's warm lips, she felt herself begin to tremble.

It was as if Peeta never left. And that thought, that feeling of complete wholeness was as dangerous to Katniss as it was beautiful.

She never knew she could feel as terrified as she was feeling at this exact moment. Thresh, Cato, Snow...it was child play.

She was vulnerable.

Not a Mockingjay or a hunter.

She was a young girl.

Katniss felt as if she was running into the arena completely naked, and still expecting to come out alive.

'_But Katniss, you practically are completely naked.' _Her brain remarked, and she fought the heat flooding her face at the ridiculousness of that random thought.

It was the thought that brought her back to her present circumstance.

She...Katniss, stood naked with the exception of underwear, in front of Peeta Mellark.

She could barely face him.

What was she doing?

She was practically throwing herself at him!

But she did want him.

Oh God, did she want him.

Slowly, she raised her arms to cover her breasts as she tried to summon the courage she previously had when she stripped in front of him.

She needed to decide her next move.

She needed a plan of attack.

She needed-

"Don't you fucking dare." Peeta hissed desperately.

Her head shot up to stare at his sudden reaction.

His words where a whisper, and more pleeding than angry.

"Don't you fucking dare hide from me now."

She needed Peeta.

His eyes were molten. Burning into her own. His chest was heaving. He wet his lips with his tongue, and they flushed.

Yes. She needed Peeta desperately.

Slowly, she exhaled and lowered her arms.

The hunger and the heat that she previously felt returned full force and she tiptoed over to the bed before she even realized her feet were moving.

There she stood. Standing before him, looking down. He sat before her, looking up.

She couldn't fight the expression of terror and longing.

She was positive he could tell she was trembling.

His breath was hot on her bare chest.

This was a moment years in the making. Before either of them realized it. Before she sang and Peeta fell in love with her. Before she spent time with Peeta in the cave.

She was always supposed to love Peeta. It had been this way, always.

"Peeta." She murmured, her eyes growing wide and glassy.

"It's you. It's always been you."

She watched Peeta take in the words. It registered in its eyes, and it made its way down to his heart.

"Kiss me." He said, voice shaking, and hand reaching for her jaw.

She did.

* * *

><p>It was fire.<p>

Peeta grabbed her waist and pulled her onto the bed, rolling on top of her without breaking the kiss.

Their hands flew wildly all over the other's naked torsos.

Katniss felt like she couldn't get enough of the feeling of his skin.

Peeta's kisses were deep and scorching and Katniss likened her lungs to be on fire.

Her hands tangled in his blonde curls, and she felt his deep moan in her mouth.

Their bodies collided and trembled, and Katniss whimpered with the anticipation of it all.

His hands were big and warm, and she vibrated every time he slid his palms over her sensitive breasts.

"I need you." Peeta groaned into her collarbone, and sucked the nape of her neck.

She felt her eyes roll back at those words.

She wanted Peeta to need her. She wanted him to need her just as much as he used to. Just as much as she needed him now.

He was breathing heavily in her ear, placing sloppy kisses anywhere he could.

It made her feel powerful, knowing that he was just as frantic to touch her as she was with him.

He was kissing her everywhere. Her breasts, her stomach, rubbing his erection between her legs.

Katniss was seeing stars.

"Do you like this, Katniss?" He smirked, and ground his hips into hers.

She let out a gasp and he smiled into her mouth with satisfaction.

He reached to her underwear, and slid the fabric off her hip bones. Now she was completely naked. But she so didn't care! She needed this. The aching want was growing stronger and stronger.

Bravely, she reached down and yanked his sweatpants down to his ankles. His arousal sprang free, and Katniss was face to face with his undeniable sign of desire for her.

It was gorgeous and intimidating all at once.

Peeta paused, allowing her to study him.

She gulped, but even with the knowledge that Peeta was openly watching her watch his erection, she couldn't find the strength to look away.

Slowly, she slid a finger over the tip, gathering the moisture there.

Peeta growled with pleasure, and it sent shivers down her spine. With growing confidence, she reached out to grasp the base of his arousal and began to make slow strokes up and down.

She watched her hand make the motions, as if it was a movie. Detached from the reality that it was her own, that it was her brain sending signals through her body to instruct how to give Peeta pleasure.

She watched as Peeta's breathing became laboured, and his eyes shut.

Her own breathing began to mimic his.

He was so handsome. Whether it was in a suit, tailored specifically for him as he answered Caesar Flickerman's questions. Or right now, naked and at Katniss' mercy. She was stunned by him in every way.

Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he glared at her.

Katniss sucked in a quick breath.

The glare wasn't malicious. It was smoldering.

He reached to explore in between her own legs.

They touched each other, their breathing laboured, and Katniss nearly jumped out of her skin when he found a particularly sensitive spot.

"Oh Peeta!" She moaned, and suddenly, Peeta knocked her onto her back.

"I need you now." He spoke, his arms trembling as he held his weight above her.

She knew exactly what he was asking.

"I need you too."

With her blessing, Peeta drove into her center.

Katniss' head was thrown back, and she saw dark spots in her vision.

It was painful, like she was being split into two.

She gasped, but not enough air was entering her body.

Slowly, Peeta pulled out, and for a moment, she thought he was about to stop because she was hurting.

But he shocked her by thrusting into her again. This time, the pain was present but less so.

He lowered his head to her ear.

"I know it hurts, sweetheart." And he turned his head to press a firm kiss on her mouth as he drove into her again.

With each thrust, the pain subsided, and Katniss literally felt her body adjust around him.

"You're so tight. It's perfect." Peeta murmured against her lips.

One hand held tight to her breast, and the other slipped under her knee to bend it close to her body.

With this new angle, Peeta entered even deeper, and they both let out a moan of pleasure.

"Harder." Katniss heard herself pant.

Peeta complied.

The air around them grew humid, and their bodies began to sweat. Sounds of moaning, and their bodies slapping together filled the room.

When Katniss felt her womb tighten, she knew that something extraordinary was about to occur.

"P-Peeta...I...ugh...I think..." She stammered as his hips drove into hers.

He knew.

His hand slipped down between her legs to rub at that sensitive spot again, and this time, Katniss couldn't stop the gasp as her whole body began to shake as rolls and rolls of pleasure washed over her.

Her head was spinning,

and her vision began to go in and out,

and Peeta's hips were mercilessly driving forward,

and she was falling,

and shaking,

and Peeta let out a roar as his hips began to grow erratic,

and with several last thrusts,

he collapsed on top of her,

and it felt so damn good.

* * *

><p>What had he done?<p>

Peeta knew almost immediately that it was a mistake. He watched her sleep in the late afternoon glow and tried to understand what triggered the process of events from the past hours.

She was beautiful, in an unconventional way.

She obviously cared about him.

And she was brave and smart as a whip.

So what was the problem? What had changed?

The question had a clear answer: He did.

He was different.  
>There was, without a doubt, sexual attraction.<p>

He felt it the moment she walked in the door after his rescue from the Capitol.

Sure he was programmed to kill her, and he tried his best when she first showed her face.

But buried underneath all that fury, was an inexplicable urge to fuck her brains out. Did the Capitol place that there? That almost violent sexual urge? Or had that always been inside of him? That desire to cause her great pain and pleasure? It seemed awfully dark.

Peeta sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand.

Whatever he felt for Katniss, he needed to figure it out fast. It wasn't fair to her to toy with her emotions.

'_Like she did to you?' _A snide voice quipped in his mind, and he quickly tried to shut it out.

Was it revenge he was seeking?

Did he want her to know how it felt to love someone so badly, believe they wanted the same, and then be torn apart by their sneaky indifference?

No.

Peeta wasn't like that. He wasn't manipulative for all the wrong reasons. He truly did care about Katniss' well being, right?

And he felt himself get better every day. He was less bitter. He was discovering who he really was again. So shouldn't the feelings he previously felt for Katniss be returning as well?

Peeta's head throbbed with confusion.

Katniss slept by his side, naked and oblivious to his internal dilemma.

"You're so beautiful." He whispered, gazing at her with a furrowed brow.

"I hope you never wake up."

* * *

><p>"Are you ever going to tell me what happened?" Katniss asked when Peeta returned from the shower.<p>

She watched his pace slow as he walked to the bed, chewing on her question.

She tried to fight her blush as she gazed at the terry cloth towel, slung low over his hips.

'_Don't be stupid. You've already seen everything.' _She childed, and fought the smirk of

approval spreading across her face.

"Tell you what?" Peeta asked, facing away from her to sit on the bed.

"Tell me about all the strange things that have been happening. The electrocution, and...what happened that night, behind the closed door. When I found you."

Peeta should have known that after they slept together she would expect answers.

Answers that he wasn't sure he was able to provide.

What was he going to tell her? The truth?

She would hate him.

She would absolutely loathe him.

She would be livid. Probably even throw some punches.

It was perfect.

It was the way to get out of the sticky situation of her affection.

He would tell the truth. The whole truth. And there was nothing left for Katniss to do but forgive him, or hate him forever.

Briefly, he contemplated if the truth was worth losing Katniss. Possibly forever.

'_What would the old Peeta have done?'_

The old Peeta would have told the truth, although the old Peeta probably would never have put Katniss in that circumstance anyway.

It needed to be done.

"Where do you want me to start?" Peeta murmured, avoiding her eyes.

He was positive she picked up his strange demeanour, and now knew something was wrong.

She was clever, and insightful in that way.

"From the beginning." Katniss spoke, and when he turned to face her, he noticed her mouth slightly agape, her eyebrows furrowing, and her eyes slowly narrowing into a calculated stare.

"No. I'm going to start from that night when you found me in my blood."

Katniss' eyes widened at is brash sentence.

"Okay." She whispered. "I'm ready."

"When you kissed me, I stormed in my room and began to freak out. I started throwing things and destroying furniture. I hated you. I was so angry at your affection, because I didn't know how to handle it. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it. Because for months, I've been convinced that you were a mutt. That you wanted me dead. I see now it isn't true. Real?"

"Real." Katniss pleaded, urging him to continue.

"The violent acts of throwing things around must have triggered some sort of flashback, because the next thing I knew, I was hallucinating from the venom. I was seeing things. Ugly, dark things. Twisted. Sick. And I couldn't escape it. And I tried yelling for help, but I couldn't. All I could do was scream. In the back of my mind, I knew it had to be all in my head. So I tried my best to make it stop, and when it didn't, I started to bash my head against anything that I could find. I blacked out after that. The next thing that I knew, we were in the shower and you were crying."

"You were crying too. You said something that killed me. Do you remember what it was?"

"I said, I wish I wasn't alive."

"That's when I knew, Peeta. I knew that I loved you then, because I couldn't imagine surviving without you. I needed you. I wanted to help you. And I love you. You know how hard it is to put myself out there. So, please believe me when I say that it's true." Katniss spoke, her voice shaking.

"I believe you." Peeta whispered, and he did.

He was fucked.

"What I don't understand is why District Thirteen didn't do anything!" Katniss suddenly barked.

"I mean, you said that whenever you had a venom-induced hallucination, that you would get electrocuted!"

"That's something else that I need to tell you."

Immediately, Katniss stiffened.

"The electrocution only happens if you are in physical pain while I'm hallucinating. District Thirteen is not too concerned with my well being. Coin approached me with the idea of the safe house before she told you. She told me that she needed you out of the way. She needed to take control of the war, and she felt like you were in the way of her ultimate quest for power. She wants to be in control after Snow is assassinated, and she felt if the country saw you as the war hero, her leadership position would be threatened. So she asked me to go to the safe house with you. She told me that if I loved you or remotely cared about you, I would go. It would ensure your safety. I still was trying to make up my mind the night they told you. When we were in the room."

"Well don't you see Peeta? Don't you see that she's manipulating you? She could have wanted me dead by placing me in here with you!"

"Then why would they make sure to cripple me with electricity if you were in pain?"

"...I-I don't know...Coin would have to put that in place to convince the others for the plan to work. A false security measure, to imitate a sense of safety. A war is going on now! A war that I'm no longer part of thanks to the scheming of you and Coin! Why didn't you tell me? Who knows what she could be doing right now? I have to be out there! I have to save Prim! I have to kill Snow! That's MY destiny!" Katniss screamed, her face twisting in fury.

"What I did was wrong. But now you know the truth. I didn't really care about how you'd feel. But I went to the safe house with you, to try and get my old self back. And I tried to love you."

Katniss paused and immediately, Peeta knew what had slipped.

"Tried?" Katniss whispered.

Peeta couldn't speak.

It was for the best. The truth.

And even though the confession of his indifference was unintentional, he knew she would hate him forever.

For taking her out of the war.

For letting Coin win.

For not loving her.

It was for the best, right?

He watched as her eyes got glassy, and she slowly rose, still naked and clutching a bed sheet to her bare body.

"Tried?" She whispered, this time, a question demanding an answer.

An answer that she now knew because it was written all over Peeta's face.

They stared each other down until Peeta's guilt overwhelmed him, and his head bowed.

Now she knew.

"You're dead to me." Katniss hissed and shot out of the bedroom.

The words were a slap in the face. He expected fists or name calling. Somehow, this was worse. Much worse.

He knew he would have nightmares without her now in the room. He would have to face his dreams alone. So, he didn't sleep.

He watched the sun set, his apparently favorite time of day, stain his bedroom blood red.

He watched until the moon rose and the stars twinkled.

He watched until the sky lightened, and sun began to return again.

And over and over again,

he tried convincing himself that Katniss hating him was for the best,

but he could never get it to stick.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I hope you all loved The Hunger Games movie as much as I did! I saw it twice the opening weekend! Haha. Short chapter, but more information and more details will be revealed in the next chapter. Which will be super long, I promise! Enjoy! =)**

* * *

><p>Katniss didn't know what was worse.<p>

Hating Peeta with all her might, or cutting him out of her life completely. Peeta had always been part of her life. Whether it was trying to avoid him after he tossed her the bread, or sitting with him, kissing under the warm moonlight on a sandy beach. Peeta had always been there.

He was omnipresent.

And even before she knew with certainty how she felt about Peeta, if she wasn't around him, she was thinking about him 24/7. She was surrounded by him, and she never hated herself more than she did at this moment.

She was without Peeta's love.

Peeta, who loved her unconditionally.

Peeta, who was able to look past every wall and flaw in her body.

Peeta, who was able to convince her that if someone that wonderful could love someone like herself, there must be some redeeming quality about her that made her worthy of it.

But now Peeta didn't think that about her anymore. Peeta is able to live without her.

Now, now there was nothing special about Katniss.

Absolutely nothing at all.

* * *

><p>Days turned into weeks. And those weeks turned into a few months.<p>

Months of absolute silence in an empty house that was never a home.

Peeta and Katniss danced around each other. If one entered the room, the other left.

There were days when Katniss never left her bed.

Occasionally, late at night, Katniss would hear Peeta grunt from across the house and would know that he was fighting of an invisible enemy.

It was either the hijacking or a nightmare.

But no matter how hard he screamed, no matter how much he moaned, she couldn't force her legs to lift from the mattress.

* * *

><p>Peeta was certain that he would not leave the safe house alive.<p>

The hallucinations from the trackerjacker venom grew increasingly worse.

Whenever he felt the rage and visions coming, he swiftly ran to his bedroom door, and locked it shut.

He didn't want Katniss to know about the severity and increasing frequency of the visions. It was as if the past few months of progress were a waste, and now he was rapidly deteriorating back to his original state of absolute manic.

Why didn't district thirteen step in? Weren't they monitoring his progress? Weren't they able to see his heart rate increase practically every night? Weren't they able to see what was becoming of Peeta?

If something didn't happen soon, he was positive that one day he wouldn't be able to fight through the pain.

One night, he might calmly walk to his bedroom door, unlock it, creep down the quiet halls.

He might tiptoe into Katniss' room.

He might observe her in the pale moonlight.

Tortured and beautiful and desperately lonely.

And he would brush her dark hair back from her skin, breathe in her scent,

and kill her in cold blood.

If he wasn't killed by District Thirteen, Katniss would take him out.

Her stares practically did that anyway.

Every time he entered a room in which she was inhabiting, it was like all the air was sucked out.

Either he had to leave, or she chose to leave for him. But before she did, she made sure he saw the look on her face.

Disgust.

And it hurt. Oh man, did that look just twist his insides.

He knew that telling her about his uncontrolled backtracking in hallucinating hijacking would be an inevitable conversation. But he didn't want to consider that conversation until he was positive that it was a conversation to be had.

Was he frightened to speak? Of her, surely not. Did he not want to hurt her or trouble her with the news? It didn't seem like she would be too concerned about his wellbeing anytime soon. Then what was the reason that he couldn't do it?

After months of uncomfortable quiet that consumed them both, he was stuck.

She would enter the room, and he would open his mouth.

His jaw would crack, his eyebrows would draw together.

His sandpaper tongue would run over his chapped lips.

Cough.

Want to tell her he was sorry.

That he thought she was beautiful.

That he was trying very hard to remember the reasons why he felt more than just an attraction to her.

That the night they slept together was more than a casual fuck.

That he was getting worse.

That she needed to get out and leave him here.

That he was scared out of his mind.

That he wanted her.

But nothing came out.

And Katniss' eyes would narrow, and she would draw in a shaky breath. And she would stand and leave the room before the water in her eyes slipped down her face.

And Peeta would stand there, still silent.

And still sorry.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I owe you all an apology and an explanation. Unfortunately, my mother passed away from a long and hard battle with Cancer the day after Easter. Obviously, a few things took a backseat to that. Between issues with college and finals, missing school, and her passing, I haven't had time to write. I also promised you a long chapter, but the muse isn't there. This is the best I can do for now. I won't abandon the story, because you've all been so kind, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. I hope you enjoy, and I promise there is more to come, and in a shorter time period. I have hope. **

* * *

><p>"Katniss!"<p>

Peeta's cry shot through the silence of the house, making Katniss shoot up from her bed, eyes wild and heart racing.

Her name had been the first thing spoken in what seemed like several months.

But time was ephemeral at the safe house, and Katniss had no idea of knowing how long exactly she'd been there. Either way, Peeta's voice struck fear into her heart.

What happened?

Was he hurt?

Was she dreaming?

She quickly took in her surroundings. It was late morning, and the sun was shining. Her hair was probably disheveled, and her eyes were most likely bloodshot from lack of sleep the night before.

_Did Peeta really scream her name?_

As soon as the thought brewed in her mind, it was immediately answered.

"KATNISS!" Peeta called again. This time, his footsteps created thunder on the hardwood floor. She could hear him racing to her room from across the house.

She didn't even have time to take in a sharp breath.

Eyes wide, she watched in horror as a frantic Peeta all but kicked down her bedroom door.

He was dirty and glistening and heaving for breath,

and as she sucked in a deep breath to yell,

she realized he was grinning from ear to ear.

His smile stilled the scream behind her teeth.

"KATNISS! I found it! I found it!" He yelled, rushing to her bedside.

It was as if he forgot the past months ever happened.

Katniss was altogether taken back, curious, and livid about his manic joy.

"What?" She shouted back, glaring.

"I found it! I found it and it's lush and green and cool and beautiful!"

Katniss' eyes grew wide as her breath was momentarily knocked from her chest.

"I found woods!"

* * *

><p>Her eyes were burning everything with their gaze. Every breath she took was not enough. Her hands splayed in all directions, shaking and desperate to touch textures. She was absolutely overcome with the beauty of the forest.<p>

Her heart was pounding so hard she feared it would burst through her chest.

For the first time in what seemed like a lifetime,

she finally felt home.

* * *

><p>"Come on Katniss. It's getting dark." Peeta whispered.<p>

It was. The sun had dipped below the tree line an hour ago. If they didn't start heading out of the woods now, they would be stuck in the pitch black.

But no matter how much she willed her feet to move, she couldn't. The mere thought of parting with the familiarity of the trees and the rocks and dark moss sent her head spinning with anxiety. She couldn't be cooped up in that house any longer.

"I can't." She whispered. And when she turned around to face Peeta, he saw she was speaking the truth. She would return to the safe house, but not anytime soon. Not when she found something so close to her heart after months of solitude and strange circumstance. And definitely not tonight. He understood immediately what he had to do.

So he turned away from her and headed back to the safe house.

* * *

><p>Katniss wasn't sure how long she sat there, listening to the rustling of the trees. She couldn't see the breeze rippling the foliage around her. It was pitch black, heightened in color intensity from beneath the canopy of tree branches. It wasn't frightening, if anything, she felt exhilarated. It was unknown and dangerous, and at the same time, familiar. Comforting. Reassuring that there was some semblance of normality. That some things wouldn't change. Nature, life, would always be there. Despite chaos and destruction. There was growth and progress. And it filled her to the brim with hope.<p>

Hope that she had never allowed herself to feel.

She shivered as she felt the breeze cross her own skin, but it wasn't just the cold that made her shiver.

She lived in fear for so long.

Everyone looked to her as a symbol of strength and power.

The girl on fire. But in reality, she was just that. Just a girl.

A girl that fought to retain her sanity, and keep those around her alive. She was so scared that she would lose both.

With that fear, came the desire to bury her hope away. She didn't have time for dreams or optimism. It could be so easily taken away in a heartbeat.

But now, this was something real. Something tangible and it made her heart clench and her head swim.

This was real, and so was her love for Peeta.

Peeta, who had hurt her so badly.

Peeta, who stormed into her room with the most beautiful gift he could have ever given to her: Hope.

And now she had it.

She was back.

She was ready to face whatever would come.

And it would.

As it must.

* * *

><p>"Katniss?"<p>

She heard him call, and saw a faint glow through the camouflage of trees and flora.

He was back?

Looking around, it was still very dark, and appeared that several hours had progressed since he'd left and she'd had time to reflect.

"I'm here." She called back, and watched as the light grew closer.

Peeta stood before her, holding a lantern and a thick blanket.

"I know you don't want to leave, so I brought these for you in case you needed..." He trailed off, looking uncertain, and handed them to her.

"Katniss-" He started, but she couldn't let him finish before she told him first.

"I love you, Peeta."

She watched in the dull, flickering light as he sucked in a breath, and hung his head.

"That won't change. There is nothing that can change how I feel now. It's honest and true."

She took a breath, willing her voice to stay strong.

"When we were in the Quarter Quell, I asked Finnick a question. I asked if he fell in love with Annie right away. He didn't. He said it was gradual. That she grew closer and closer to his heart, and one day, it just kind of snuck up on him. You've always loved me. It was never a question. It was me that needed time and convincing. But now the roles are reversed. Now I'm the one who loves you without question. And you need time. But I'm confident that you will find your way back to me. Because what we have is good and truthful. I'll grow closer to your heart, because what we have is organic. It will unfold naturally. That's the way it was meant to be. That's the way it will be."

Her throat closed, and she was unable to continue. But her confidence, her new found understanding pulsed strong, and raced through her veins.

Peeta raised a shaky hand to cover his face.

"I've been in agony without you. I've been in hell." He whispered from behind his fingers.

She reached up to remove his hands from his face.

"I hurt you." He spoke, frantically staring into her dark eyes.

"And I hurt you. I can't count how many times I hurt you. So we're even."

"All this because I found a forest?"

She allowed a smile to slip on her lips.

"All this because you gave me a reason to hope. For the first time, I'm going to throw caution to the wind, and trust you again. Not because you've earned it back, or because I love you so much. But because I'm choosing to. No need to prove anything. I'm going to trust you. I'm going to hope."

"You've been changing. Every time I look at you, you're different, Miss Everdeen." He smiled.

"For the better. And because of you."

"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you how badly I want you. Those months in silence, I've been dying for you. I'm burning up." Peeta said desperately, stepping closer so their chests touched.

"As I did, too."

"You make my heart grow. Sometimes I think it won't fit in my chest. I can feel it pressing against the limits of my skeleton." Peeta whispered, closing his eyes and resting his chin on top of her head.

"It's because you love me, Peeta." She whispered into his neck.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the kind words. It's really helped me. It's longer, as promised, and I hope you enjoy it. ;) **

Something noticeable shifted in the safe house.

To Katniss, it seemed a lot less like a prison with constricting walls. She would even go as far to identify it as open and light. In actuality, she understood the real reason the house no longer reflected an inescapable holding cell. It was all because of the night in the woods.

It wasn't the house that changed. It was her attitude, as well as Peeta's.

Truthfully, she was relieved at the progress. She didn't know how much longer she could stand the silence. For months she felt like screaming or even getting violent with Peeta. Things were progressing, slowly but surely.

However, nights were still the same.

The hurt still came as a dull ache. When the moon shone through her window and illuminated the room, all she could see were her memories.

Memories of waking up in a cold sweat, and turning to face Peeta. Lit by the moon, she was able to see his arm wrapped protectively around her taut stomach. His eyes brimming with concern and an unspoken emotion. They would lie there together in the moonlight. Both awakened from a fitful slumber. Watching the other. Eventually, she would succome to vulnerability. She would reluctantly be consoled by the one person who knew her, and her circumstance, better than anyone. She would lean her head into his neck, and he would stroke her hair.

She missed those nights. And the moon always brought it back, still raw and fresh.

She had given Peeta something incredibly personal. She allowed herself to throw caution to the wind. To feel, rather than analyze. And he'd taken it from her, but not in the way that she wanted him to. She wanted him to love her, just as much as she loved him.

Whenever Katniss felt betrayed or angry with Peeta again, she allowed herself to remember the moments she wish she could forget. The moment Peeta realized that none of her affection in the Games was authentic or true. She would painfully recall their Victory Tour, when she and Haymitch devised their faux marriage proposal. Now she knew exactly what it felt to love someone so deeply, only to realize their emotions were shallow and deficient.  
>Peeta's love for her used to be bottomless. She missed it.<p>

Whenever she felt a particular pang of remorse for his lost affection, she would sharply inhale and shut her eyes.

_I am Katniss Everdeen, and I no longer know how old I am. I survived the Hunger Games and Quarter Quell with Peeta Mellark. And I love him more than I love myself._

Her mantra repeating in her head, she would place a shaking hand over her heart to feel it beat beneath her prominent clavicle.

It was one of the most honest sounds she'd ever heard.

She was alive. She was in love. And she needed to get back to District Thirteen.

* * *

><p>Katniss was blooming. She was eating again, and color returned to her lips and cheeks. She didn't leave when he walked into a room. And a few days ago, she told Peeta she loved him.<p>

For some reason, he couldn't get the words to stop spinning through his head. After her confession, and as they held each other, he felt better than he had in months. He wanted to kiss her so badly. But he knew that although she loved him, she needed time.

After all, the reason they spent the last months in hell was because of his actions. Because he made love to her.

_No Peeta._ He corrected himself. _Fucked her. Selfishly. _

He fucked her because he needed her, but not the way she needed him. Despite his uncertainty about Katniss, he truly cared for her well being. And he knew that she deserved to lose her virginity to someone who loved her.

Gale should've been the one.

His nose wrinkled at the thought.

Okay...maybe not Gale. Maybe anyone but Gale.

Either way, he knew that things wouldn't go back to normal. He wouldn't be able to make the first move until she did.

He wouldn't push her.

And he wouldn't put her through that back and forth shit that they always seemed to do to each other. They were like dogs chasing their own tails. Friends, allies, lovers, enemies, acquaintances, friends, allies, lovers, enemies, acquaintances...

Their cycle seemed never ending.

Would it ever come to a standstill? He knew it would have to eventually. The question was,

where would their metaphorical arrow land? Friends? Enemies?

With a thick swallow, he hoped it would land on lovers.

But could that even be a possibility?

If they survived, maybe.

Late at night, he'd been having these strange dreams.

Dreams of a flowering Panem, without destruction or chaos or corruption.

Dreams of District Twelve, in bloom. He knew that it wasn't possible, as it was currently still smoldering. But in his dreams, there was green. There was open space. And there was a dark haired girl, hand in hand with a younger, blonde boy. Children.

He was never able to see their faces, but he felt in his heart that they were special, and incredibly important. And although he couldn't see her, he felt her presence, and he knew she was there.

The person he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with.

And when he woke up from his dreams, still panting with the confusion and beauty of it all, he already knew who she must be.

It had to be her.

Because no matter what happened,

he could never envision a life without Katniss.

* * *

><p>He decided to wake up early to catch her in time.<p>

When she walked into the kitchen, the sight of him sitting at the table took her by surprise.

"Oh." She breathed, fingers stilling halfway in the unbraided part of her hair.

"Tea?" He asked, as he turned back to the cupboard to fetch two mugs.

"Please." She spoke with a tight smile, and finished braiding her hair. "You're up early."

"I wanted to have tea with you."

"That's nice."

He looked up from pouring the boiling water in her mug at that strange sentence. She was gazing at him strangely, but not unkindly.

"FUCK!" He shouted, as the boiling water overflowed from her mug onto his hand. As he was waving his reddening hand around the air and shouting curse words, he heard the most bizarre sound.

Katniss Everdeen was laughing. The sound was enough for him to briefly forget about his pain to stare at her incredulously.

She locked eyes with him, and bit down a giggle. But it only resurfaced, and she threw her head back to let it out again.

Before he knew it, he was joining her. She was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down her face. Her joy was infectious.

As Peeta laughed, he felt a strange stirring in the pit of his stomach.

Yes.

He definitely felt something for Katniss. What that feeling could be, was still a mystery to him.

"S-sorry!" She giggled, as her laughter died down. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." He smiled, his hand now a dull sting.

"Want me to kiss it better?"

His jaw hit the floor. Were his ears working correctly? Katniss' eyes widened only slightly, but she maintained a grin plastered on her face. He was certain that her heart was pumping just as wildly as his.

He couldn't speak. He must look like such a moron right now. He tried to clear his throat but nothing happened. Slowly, he extended his hand towards her.

She placed her makeshift bow and arrows to the floor, and took a step to him.

Clasping his hand in both of her own, he could feel her shaking.

She bent down and kissed his knuckles.

It was electricity, and he felt it shoot all the way down to his toes. She quickly looked up with an unreadable expression. Did she feel that surge of power too?

"Tea?" She croaked, swiftly letting his hand drop. He turned back to the spilled water, and re-poured her cup.

"Any luck?" He asked her with a turned back, as she willed herself to walk to her seat without her legs collapsing.

"None. But I like being out there anyway." She spoke, taking a seat.

Katniss had gone to the woods every day since Peeta had discovered it. Peeta told her that one day he'd gone for a long walk, and a few hours later, saw the tree line. He never entered the woods until he showed it to her. It was because when he first spotted the forest, the next thing he knew, he was turning on his heel and sprinting towards the direction of the safe house.

Peeta's discovery was an absolute gift. She would wake up early and spend the day there until mid afternoon. From carved wood, she created makeshift bow and arrows, that could only shoot a mere ten feet, but it was better than no bow and arrows. The only problem was there was no game to shoot. The forest appeared to be empty. It was a bit of a let down, but she continued to go to the woods anyway. It helped her think clearly about what her next step was.

The mere fact that there was vegetation on the safe house property was both reassuring and alarming to Katniss. She had not informed Peeta yet that she'd walked the entire property.

Her second day in the woods, she had walked, and continued to walk from dawn until dusk, only to walk out of the woods, and straight back to the safe house.

The whole property was like giant circle. Where you start would eventually lead you back to the same place.

This wasn't necessary ominous or threatening, but it was good to know. Surely District Thirteen was not plotting their demise. But she knew with certainty that their intentions, especially Coin's, was less than admirable. Just what she would do now, was a mystery.

"What do you do when I'm away?" She asked, as Peeta sat down to sip his tea with her.

"Bake. Obviously."

They'd had fresh bread and dessert every day since they'd reconciled. Katniss would have breakfast early while Peeta slept, and gathered some food for the forest for lunch. But every night, they ate dinner together. It was the first time they'd continued that routine of eating dinner together since the Victory Tour. And Katniss had to admit she was pleased about it. At least Peeta's baking muse was back and in full swing.

"I also lay out on the beach."

This she did not know. She peered up at him over the edge of her mug.

"I like to watch the sunrise. You're always gone before dawn. And then I spend the day in the sand or in the water. Or baking."

A vision of a strong-bodied Peeta covered in warm sand filled Katniss' vision, and she felt her cheeks flush.

"Maybe someday we can watch the sunrise together." She spoke quietly. Rising, she placed her mug down on the table and collected her bow and arrows.

"See you at dinner. And thank you for the tea."

* * *

><p>"Ugh. Look." Katniss snorted, pointing out a particularly peculiar looking individual on the television screen.<p>

"I don't know, I kind of think the upturned nose looks sweet." Peeta joked.

"That was during that phase. You know the one? Where the Capitol thought that girls with slightly upturned noses were cute. But this one is plastic surgery gone wrong. She looks like a pig."

"No mercy from Katniss Everdeen."

"None." She smirked, and shoveled a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

The television glowed in the darkening room. The sun almost obscured by the crashing waves of the beach.

Peeta grinned and took a swig of hot chocolate. After dinner together, he suggested television. When Katniss agreed, he could all but read her mind. It would be the first time they watched television together since she kissed him on the couch.

Her early morning confession when she thought he was sleeping.

Which spurred her her kiss.

That caused his meltdown.

Which caused him to hurt himself.

Which caused her to realize her true feelings for him.

Which then made her admit her love for him.

And then of course he deflowered her.

Quite an emotional, dramatic roller coaster ride. He knew she was thinking of all those occurrences, but she agreed with a tight smile despite her reflection.

Initially it was a bit awkward. They jokingly argued about who was in charge of the remote, and Katniss had given it to Peeta in a huff after he suggested arm wrestling for it. After an hour of channel surfing, they realized they weren't able to view current events. Katniss suggested it was probably deliberately so. Instead, they settled for a random channel just like all the others. It was a channel displaying the Capitol's wealth.

"Don't you think they get tired of the same old thing?" Peeta asked crunching on popcorn, and pointed with his chin to the camera.

Currently, the people changed, but the scene did not. It was a crowd. Eating, laughing, and dancing. Nothing really changes.

"I think they're celebrating a birthday party." Katniss said.

"I don't know when my birthday is." Peeta admitted, raising his eyebrows at her.

"I don't either. I've completely lost track of all time. Casualty of the safe house."

"My birthday is in the summer." Peeta said.

Katniss turned to him frowning.

"Mine's in the winter. Does that mean I'm older than you?"

"No, I'm older than you."

"You know it's around summer time." She spoke. "We should celebrate your birthday."

Peeta laughed, and looked at her.

"I'm serious. Tomorrow! What did you used to do with your birthday?"

"I used to celebrate it with friends. And my parents would bake me a cake." He whispered, remembering his previous birthdays. Katniss forgot that Peeta once had friends to celebrate with. He'd been well liked. Katniss never celebrated her birthday with anyone but her mother and Prim. Not even Gale.

"Katniss, I think I'm turning eighteen!" Peeta said, surprising himself.

"Tomorrow, then. Tomorrow will be your birthday."

"As long as you promise to make it a small affair." He said, with fake authority. "No Capitol friends."

She offered him a smile before turning back to the television.

"Ugh. When we were at those parties I wanted to claw my eyes out rather than stand around for hours talking to people I hated. Trying to impress the people who were issuing our death sentences."

"At least we had each other." Peeta murmured. They stilled and turned to face the other, smiling with tight lips.

Peeta turned and closed his eyes as his heart lurched painfully, opening them when he heard Katniss let out a bark of laughter at the next ludicrous looking Capitol resident.

* * *

><p>He was on eggshells all day. She had surprised him. She had offered her company, despite the fact that she was probably uncomfortable with his seemingly indifferent attitude. And she looked beautiful. She had even offered a few openly friendly smiles to him over their dinner.<p>

Swiftly, he paced his room. His mind was in shambles, and his fingertips burned with the longing to touch her skin.

Should he tell her about his hijacking getting worse?

Should he tell her he wanted her?

Should he ask her to sleep with him,

not fuck,

but sleep together like they used to?

No. He couldn't. He just needed to take it slow and wait for her to decide the next move. But it was torture.

He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He needed to touch her so badly.

She would be his undoing.

* * *

><p>Katniss softly walked into the kitchen to fill a glass of water when she heard it.<p>

She stilled.

Could Peeta still be awake? It had to be really late at night. They'd gone to bed an hour or two ago.

Maybe he was having a nightmare. She placed her empty cup on the kitchen counter, and tiptoed to Peeta's room.

The sound was growing louder. Shaky breath and pants. From the darkened hallway, she saw his door was slightly agar. His room was darkened, but the moon was bright, casting some light into the hallway. Should she check to see if he was okay?

The thought of Peeta in mid-nightmare fueled her resolve. Slowly, she tiptoed to the crack in the door, taking a peek inside, and her heart stopped.

Peeta was sitting on his bed, his back was mostly facing her, but he was still angled so she was able to see his profile. He was facing the window, the moon throwing shadows across his body.

He was shaking and moaning, head thrown back, hand down his sweatpants.

It felt like her stomach had dropped out of her body. She couldn't catch a breath.

Was he...? Was he touching himself?

Her question was answered as he shimmied his sweatpants a little lower, and completely exposed his erect sex.

Her face burned and she blinked rapidly. Vaguely she was aware of a panicked voice in the back of her mind that was screaming at her to run away. To not watch. But it was impossible. Just like all of Panem who had been conditioned to watch murder and sex, she was unable to look away.

His hand was vice like, and she allowed herself to study his body. His back muscles were clenching, and she could see a faint sheen on his bare skin. His eyebrows were scrunched together, and his eyes were closed. His mouth was open, and he was breathing through it, letting an occasional moan escape. Briefly he licked his lips, causing them to darken and swell. And his big hand was stroking his thick member mercilessly. Desperately. She watched in both horror and extreme fascination as he pumped the base, circled the top to collect the moisture, and continued working the body again. Watching Peeta pleasure himself was both terrifying, and strangely decadent.

Katniss thought she'd never seen anything so unsettling and sexy.

She watched him as his breathing sped up.

She should leave now.

Her body should move.

She was about to lift her foot when she heard him.

"Katniss." He hissed, his tongue darting out again to lick his lips as his pace increased.

_Oh my. _She flushed crimson, as hearing her name on his lips shook her body down to her core.

There was no way she was able to move now.

She watched in equal horror and arousal as Peeta let out a guttural moan, and swiftly came in fat spurts.

"_Katniss, oh Katniss." _He whispered, savoring her name in his mouth as he tessellated his own chest.

Katniss couldn't breathe.

Did she really just witness that? She felt her knees go weak.

What did this all mean?

What did Peeta want from her?

She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling overwhelmed in every way.

Opening them, she gazed once more at his shining back, heaving with heavy inhalation.

It wasn't until Peeta turned his head to gaze over his shoulder, and their eyes locked, that she regretted not running away when she had the chance.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: This is short. I hope you don't hate me for it! Also…did you guys ever hear of Shades of Gray? Ha ha! I swear I wrote this before the whole phenomenon! Also, how would you all feel if I started writing some Legend of Korra? I hope you're all as hardcore fans as I am!**

* * *

><p><em>Shit.<em>

Peeta's jaw hit the floor, as Katniss batted her eyelashes frantically.

How much had she seen?

By the blush creeping up her neck, it was pretty obvious that she witnessed most of it.

He could just die. He wanted to sink into the floorboards.

His body was flaming hot, made worse by the cooling of semen on his chest.

Why? Why did this have to happen, when they were getting so close to normality?

Vaguely, he was aware of the opening and closing of his mouth, like a fish gasping for air. What could he possibly do or say to get him out of this mess?

"Katniss...I-I'm sorry!" He stammered, feeling like he might burst out of his own skin.

He watched as she slowly raised her eyeline to his, her mouth slightly open and eyebrows cocked. And then...she smiled.

It was so strange to witness, the slow movement of the corner of her mouth draw up into a smirk, quickly followed by the other corner, until it was a full closed-lipped smile. They way she smiled made her look young. Her face rounded, her eyes shone with unspoken laughter.

You could've knocked Peeta over with a feather.

"Peeta, I walked in on you."

But walked in wasn't the word. No, she stood their watching him masterbate like a total creep. The thought made her almost snort with laughter and disbelief.

Yes, she was the one who was in the wrong, not Peeta. He was an eighteen year old male. Of course he masterbated. Peeta was human. He wasn't some figure of unending goodness and purity. Although he was both of those attributes, he was also scared and confused and...according to what she just witnessed...incredibly horny.

Peeta couldn't believe it. Had he really gotten off that easily with Katniss?

"Peeta, I know you feel something for me."

Was she full of herself to say that? No. It was a fact. It was clear. Peeta was panting and wanting and it was all for her. The thought made her feel warm.

"I want you, Katniss."

"I know." She smiled.

Now that was the sassy Katniss he remembered.

"Wait for a second." He said, and sprinted to the bathroom.

Katniss stood in the doorway, contemplating her next move as she heard the shower turn on.

She didn't have long to think. A minute later, Peeta emerged drying off his hair, his gray sweat pants hanging low on his hips.

"Katniss...I feel something for you. And it's powerful and strong. And I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop feeling worried that I could hurt you, or wondering how you feel. You mean everything to me."

He crossed over to her, and took her hands in his.

Slowly, he lead her to the bed. Sitting on the mattress, with his hands still in hers, she looked down into those big blue eyes.

"Please." He whispered, and with that word, she was taken back to the first time.

"Please stay with me tonight."

Her heart fluttered and she tried her best to remain calm. She knew what she had to do.

So she wet her lips, and took a deep breath.

Finally meeting his eyes, she smirked.

"Peeta. You know I care about you. And even though I declared my undying love for you, I'm not going to make this easy for you."

She watched Peeta's eyes grow wide as her smile increased as well.

Slowly, she dropped his hands and sashayed to the doorway.

"Besides," she smirked with a pointed look at his sweat pants, "I think I'll let you finish what you started."

And with her heart pounding and her hands shaking and her face split in a grin, she left the room.


	16. Chapter 16

_What am I going to do?_

The sun was slowly beginning to rise, staining her bedroom walls pink. Her hands were still trembling from the sight she had walked in on.

_Peeta._

She spoke his name, and savored the pop of air on the 'P.' The rest of his name rushing from behind her lips like a soft wind. His name a whispered prayer.

_What am I going to do about Peeta?_

Peeta, who was up and down. Peeta, who was tormented and tempted. Peeta, who had no one and nothing in this world, beside herself.

_Does Peeta love her?_

_Does Peeta want her?_

_Will Peeta hurt her?_

The bedcover rippled underneath her fingertips.

_What am I going to do? What am I going to do about Peeta?_

* * *

><p>He didn't see her at first. The shadows in the corners were still present, and she stood in one. When she stepped out, he startled.<p>

"Sorry. Didn't mean to make you jump."

"It's fine." Peeta rushed out, eyes wide, taking her in.

Katniss crossed the room to sit on the corner of his bed, never meeting his eyes.

He watched her pick at her fingernails and noticed a slight tremor in her fingertips.

"Katniss, I'm so-"

"Stop."

She looked up at him finally, and color rose to his cheeks.

"There's something I need to tell you. And I have to say it."

Peeta adjusted beneath the blanket, rising from his elbows to a sitting position. They locked eyes for what seemed an infinite amount of time.

Blue and grey, blue and grey. Forever.

"I've been nothing but confusing for you. I've been here, I've been too honest, I've been reclusive. But most importantly, I haven't been a friend." She cracked, and cleared her throat.

"We've been called 'star-crossed lovers,' and tributes. Victors, visionaries. Leaders. But I don't feel like any of those. I feel like a scared girl. I'm scared that I'm not making you any better. I know there are things you can't help. I know you haven't been the same since you returned from the Capitol. And I'm so sorry for that." She leaned forward, resting her hand on his own.

"But I promise from now on, I will be your friend. You will be my priority, and I will defend you and protect you until my death, regardless if we are in an arena or not."

She was trembling again. So was he.

And silence stretched on, eyes locked. Blue and grey, blue and grey.

Peeta lifted up his bedsheet and said,

"Come here."

Blue and grey forever.

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><p>AN: I'm baaaaack


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: HEY GUYS! You are all so totally amazing for sticking around and being so patient. I've finally finished, you read right, finished the story, and all will be concluded this week! I have college finals, and I'm a little rusty from not writing in so long, so I hope this chapter is satisfying to you. Again, love you guys SO much! Enjoy!**

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><p>In the light of the early morning glow, Peeta watched Katniss sleep.<p>

He had been watching Katniss for years. Since he was a child. But he never, never got tired of it. Katniss was unlike anyone he'd ever known. She was strong. She was gentle. She was selfless. She was the alpha and omega of Peeta's entire world.

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><p>He waited for two hours before she finally opened her eyes. They immediately found his, and she let a smile spread across her face. He mirrored her motion.<p>

"I need to be honest with you." He spoke. "I have to tell you three things."

Katniss looked only vaguely concerned but she nodded, her smile still present.

Peeta took a deep breath and prepared for what he was about to say.

"One," He whispered, "I love you."

Her reaction was exactly what he expected. Her eyes grew sleepy and misted over, but her smiled widened and she just nodded. Of course she already knew.

"Two," he continued, this time with more confidence. "My hallucinations are getting worse. I think my progress is deteriorating."

He glanced briefly at her frightened face, and took a deep breath.

"Three, I think I know a way out of here."  
>Katniss audibly gasped, so loud it was almost like overdone acting. She searched his eyes, and he gave a nod. She giggled. A laugh. Slowly, her laughter bubbled out of her throat, and wouldn't stop. She suddenly threw her arms around his neck and kissed him forcefully on the mouth. Peeta grinned, her lips still pushing on his teeth.<br>No, Katniss had definitely not been expecting that.

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><p>"It's definitely a long shot, but it's a shot, right?" Peeta questioned, the goofiest grin plastered on his face.<p>

"Totally!" Katniss nodded vigorously in agreement.

Peeta's revelation had filled them with a giddy, manic exhilaration. Could it be that in a matter of moments, they would be freed from the house which imprisoned them for months? Possibly even a year?

"Explain it again." Katniss begged, wringing her hands. Peeta laughed. This was the most animated he'd ever seen her.

"Okay, okay. So, you know how you noticed that when the kitchen cabinets run out of food, they are mysteriously filled in a matter of seconds? Well, that must mean _someone_ is filling it up? Maybe it's some kind of portal or connection to District Thirteen? Maybe we can use it to communicate."  
>"Yes!" Katniss exclaimed. "That totally makes sense!"<p>

"So what should we write?" Peeta grinned, quickly pulling out a piece of paper and pencil from one of the kitchen drawers.

"How about, 'LET US OUT OR ELSE.'" Katniss suggested, laughing.

Instantly, Peeta thought that was practically the funniest thing he'd ever heard in his life. He clutched his sides as he watched tears of laughter pool around Katniss' dark lashes. It was obvious to both that they were experiencing a moment of delicious deliriousness. Soon they'd be out of the house. Soon Katniss would be able to hug Prim. They'd share a meal with her family. They'd bring the Capitol to their knees, and it would all begin in a matter of moments. Peeta's spine tingled at the thought.

However, their state of excitable frivolity was short lived. A few minutes later, once they had completely rid themselves of their laughing fit, a somberness filled the kitchen as they both stared at the blank paper. What could they possibly write that would make the recipient of their note free them from the safe house? Would the message be delivered straight to Coin? Or would their concerns fall on deaf ears? Or, would they be in cahoots with a random member of District Thirteen, and would they even possess the brain power or authority to help them?

"Well, we _need_ to get out of here." Katniss finally spoke. "Maybe we should explain why."

"Let's see." Peeta rolled his eyes, "Well first there is the fact that we've been trapped in here for months, maybe even longer, with no end in sight, and we'll both go mad very soon. And we definitely did not agree to that. My trackerjacker venom hallucinations were getting so bad, I beat my head open to stop them, nearly killing myself and leaving you to deal with the aftermath. And then you professed you loved me, which produced a series of isolation, manipulation…"

"...and reconciliation." Katniss finished smiling. Peeta took a moment to look up and return her easy smile.

"But the point is," Peeta continued, "we need to get the hell out of here. This took much longer than we anticipated, and had we otherwise known, we wouldn't have agreed to it. And I need treatment. I don't want to get worse. And we both need to be back in the action of taking down the Capitol."

"I can't stand sitting here. I don't care if it's what my mother and Prim agreed to. We need to be proactive." Katnissed said fiercely.

"I have a feeling your mother and Prim are on your side at this point. I don't think anyone realized how long District Thirteen was planning on keeping us here."

"Let's just be honest." Katniss said, taking the pencil from Peeta's hands and thoughtfully wrote:

_**District Thirteen-**_

_**We did not agree to be locked up for an indefinite amount of time. We were promised to be kept safe for only a short period of time. You need us to win the revolution. We will be no help to you if we are not immediately returned to District Thirteen. Several times we have been on the cusp of madness. Peeta's trackerjacker hallucinations are worsening. He needs medical attention immediately. We know Coin is keeping us out of this war for her own personal gain. We demand to return and help with the revolution. **__  
><em>  
>"What do you think?" Katnissed asked, pushing the paper over for Peeta to read.<p>

"Good." Peeta said, but then made a small revision before pushing it back to Katniss.

..**.**_**He needs medical attention immediately. **__His visions could be possibly lethal to Katniss if untreated__**.**__**We demand to return and help with the revolution.**_

Katniss looked quizzically up at him.

"I don't really think we should mention Coin. We could be viewed as a threat to the rebellion that she's currently leading, and then they definitely won't let us leave. And they don't really care about my well being." Peeta pointed to his underlined addition.

Katniss was hit with a sickening wave of recollection to when he was forcibly seizing after pulling her hair. District Thirteen had given him a shock of electrocution when he harmed her. But they had done nothing when he practically bled out on his bedroom floor after cracking his head open to stop his hallucinations. She remembered how she had screamed and screamed for help, but none came. He was right.

All the more reason to return to District Thirteen. Katniss was going to have a long, interesting conversation with Coin once she returned.

"All good?" He asked, holding it up for her once more. She gave a curt nod.

"Okay." He breathed, and then they looked at each other, hardly daring to blink. This was it. Their only hope.

Slowly, they both moved to the kitchen cabinet, and began to empty every container in sight, not caring to be gentle, just throwing it on the floor. Once the cupboard was completely empty, they looked at each other. Peeta raised the note to the wooden surface.

"Wait!" Katniss cried, and quickly plucked the note from his hand and scribbled one last revision to the end of the note. Peeta looked over her shoulder and copied her written suggestion.

_**Please help us. Please. **__Katniss Everdeen__& __Peeta Mellark_

Once more, they looked at each other. And then, as if in a dream, Peeta moved and placed the note inside the cabinet, and closed the cupboard doors.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: You guys will not believe my stupidity. I wrote down half of this chapter and then went to a different webpage without saving it. So I had to write it over. Ugh. I've learned my lesson! We're nearing the end of this story, y'all. I can't tell you how appreciative I am of all of your feedback! It's so encouraging, and really keeps me going!**

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><p>Katniss couldn't remember how long they had been sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. Had it been an hour? Two hours? The sun was already starting to descend. Internally, she was on pins and needles. It felt like she could feel every nerve ending in her body. Every ounce of her, practically screaming out for some kind of action or reaction to their note. How long would they have to wait in the stretched out silence? Finally, with a groan, she let her head fall onto the wooden surface with a dull <em>thud<em>.

Peeta let loose a burst of air from his nostrils, and the made eye contact, grinning.

"Well this sucks." He said, stretching his arms above his head.

The more they waited, the more Katniss fumed about their circumstance. This house was hell. It was a festering wound. A scar on her psyche.

_Not all of it was bad, _a voice echoed through her consciousness. _No_, she thought. _Not all of it was bad_. This house contained moments of disaster, pain, fury, but for every instance of disgust and regret, there were moments of softness, of truth, and brilliance. Of love. This was the house that Peeta and Katniss had healed, shattered to pieces, and then somehow healed again. This was the house where they lost their virginity to each other. Where she told Peeta she loved him, and only just earlier this morning, he had told her the same. This was a house of ebb and flow, and finally, _finally_, they found their rhythm together.

"Can you imagine that we might leave this house in a matter of moments?" She spoke, unable to hide a small smile.

"Can't _wait_ to leave!" Peeta grinned back.

"Remember when we first got here? You were so angry and bitter and confused. Still suffering from the effects of the Capitol."

"Still am." Peeta remarked.

"Yes, but you're you again. You've regained your selflessness and gentleness. You have those qualities of the Peeta I know and love. Only now with more complex layers." She smirked_._

_"HA!" _He smirked. "I could say the same for you. Look at your gentle self." He gestured toward her.

Katniss blushed. It was true that she had undergone some personal change as well. She was always so used to being the strong one. The one who needed to be hard, as it was necessary for survival. Previously, she couldn't spend time one erroneous emotions. They only deterred her goals. At least, that's what she told herself. The truth was that she was terrified confessions like love would fragment the facade she had worked so hard to build. But now, now Katniss wasn't afraid. Because there was power in truth and love. And now Katniss knew that it was not pitiful to feel, to love someone more than yourself. Now she understood that love was nothing to be ashamed of. She no longer envisioned it as her downfall. It was not her weakness. It was her strength.

"I remember when we first got here. We were either at each other's throats, or dancing around each other in avoidance."

"Yeah," she smirked. "We arrived, and could barely stand to be in the same room as one another. And then I just had to go and confess that I cared for you."

"Mmhmm. And then you just had to kiss me. And then I just had to get upset about it."

"And then you just had to throw such a tantrum it caused you to hallucinate and split your head open. And then when you were so close to dying, I just had to fall in love with you."

"Right. Then when I knew you loved me, I just had to take your virginity."

"Hey!" Katniss snapped, "I also just so happened to take yours."

Peeta smiled in response. "And then, of course, you were understandably upset that I had my reservations, so I had to find the forrest to make it up to you."

"And then of course, that gave me the strength to realize I would always love you." Katniss whispered.

Their eyes met, and Peeta thought he never saw anything so glorious in his life. This had been quite the tumultuous couple months. There had been his fits of rage, hallucinations, uncertainty of his sanity, and almost near death. Looking at Katniss, he felt a glowing heat in the center of his chest. It spread all the way from his toes to his fingertips, and carried the notion that somehow, somehow this had all been worth it.

"You were quite good." Katniss blushed, tracing the wooden tabletop with her fingertip. "How…? How did you…?" She trailed off.

"I have older brothers." Peeta blushed as well, pride welling inside. "When we get back to District Thirteen, I'll make love to you properly. We'll both be ready."

They couldn't help but grin like idiots at each other. They were so close to being home. So close to changing Panem together, forever.

"I can't wait anymore." Katniss declared. "I'm going to see if anyone wrote a message back."

She swiftly got up from her chair, Peeta following quickly behind, and wrenched the cabinet door open.

A piece of paper lay in the middle of the still empty cabinet. With a rush of excitement, she reached out and gazed down upon what was sure to be their rescuer's response message.

Instead, she looked over the familiar loops and lines. The pressure of the pencil on the paper. Their signatures at the bottom of the paper.

For a solid minute, they stood in silence, not daring to breathe or even blink at their original letter. The cabinet was not full, there was no response, and the only message written down was their own.

Their only plan. Their only chance for escape.

It had not worked.


	19. The End

Katniss was frozen. It felt as if the floor had been dropped from beneath her, and she was left hovering in an endless space of nothing. Gone. Everything was gone. Her hope for escape, her desire to see Prim, her determination to end this war. But she would never get the chance, because she was stuck in a prison in an undisclosed location that she herself had agreed to. If she could return to the past to confront past-Katniss about this decision, she would punch her former self in the face.

And yet, this house had brought her truth. This house had brought her self-acceptance. This house had brought Peeta back to her.

Truly, it was just a shelter. Just a pile of materials, but it had been the catalyst for their recoveries. It was almost comical how this material object had done that. It was just stone and wood and-

"Get me the matches." Her voice alarmed even her own ears. It was deep and steady and she hadn't even known it was her own.

"W-what?" Peeta stammered, finally looking to her through his own disbelief.

"We're burning the house down."

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><p>"How do you know this will work?" Peeta yelled, as he continued to pour gasoline, soaking the floorboards beneath his feet.<p>

"I don't!" She shouted back, and let loose a hysterical giggle.

There was no evidence that this would work, just an urge, a whim, to destroy. And maybe, when District Thirteen would see that the whole island was on fire, they would be forced to take them back. They had all the materials. Matches for the fireplace, even gasoline for the stove and oven.

She was reminded of the nightlock that she had convinced Peeta to eat in order to manipulate a double-victor win from the Capitol. Wasn't this just the same? And of course, Peeta was going along with it, just as he always had. Reliable, trusting Peeta. Setting their temporary home on fire, just because she told him to. Again, a hysterical giggle bubbled up. She was officially losing it.

When Peeta finished coating the house, she took the remaining liquid and coated the grass around the house, leading a trail out to the woods. If this worked, if they pulled it off, the whole island would be set aflame.

When she returned from the forest to the home, the air hung heavy with fumes, giving her vertigo. Katniss tossed the empty container on the grass carelessly, and shook her head vigorously to clear it. She needed to have a sharp mind.

Peeta watched her from the shore of the beach, the only place that they had spared.

"Ready?" He asked nervously as she approached.

_No, she was not ready_.

If this didn't work...they were left without food, without shelter... without mercy.

"Yes." She willed herself to believe, and watched in slow motion as Peeta struck the match against the side of the cardboard box, and stared at her for a moment before tossing it onto a designated gas trail in the grass.

Immediately, the ground lit up like the floor of hell, and the house was quickly swallowed. They both watched with a frightened excitement as the fire continued to swallow the home, and race to the treeline that would soon light up as well. Black smoke clouded the clear blue sky like a dark omen, and Katniss silently let out a prayer that this would work.

_If it didn't….if it didn't work_…

Peeta reached out his hand to take her own.

If it didn't work, they would meet it when the time came.

Gray eyes met blue, just like smoke met sky.

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><p>When the hovercraft came, she was not happy. How could she be happy about being rescued by her oppressors? But they were offering escape, and she took it.<p>

They silently led Katniss and Peeta to their seats, where they were restrained before taking off once more. Katniss didn't know if they would be returning her to the district, or directly back to war. But she was going somewhere. Moving forward somehow, and Peeta was here. And that was all she could ask for at the moment.

She turned to look at him, and he was already gazing back at her. Wherever she would go, he would be there. She wanted to thank him for finding the courage to live. She wanted to thank him for finding the kindness to accept who she was, flaws and all. She wanted to tell him that being alone in that house would have been a slow suicide. That she was a better person because of him. She wanted to tell him all these things and more, but it all the words in her vocabulary, all the words in different languages, books and books and millenniums of words, could not express the way she was feeling right now.

Loving Peeta was had not been easy. The Capitol had not made him easy to love, and she knew the same truth could be applied to herself. Their love, their relationship was not black and white. It was not this or that. It was shades of gray. It was shadows and light and movement. And though she did not know where they were going, where she was heading in life, he was there. He was with her, and they would face the future, finally side by side, as equals.

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><p><strong>AN: WOW. Three years of writing this very slowly evolving story, now concluded. Just like Katniss, words seem to fail me right now. Thank you all so much for writing your reviews and sending me messages, and following and believing in my story. It took me a very long time to summon the strength to finish it, but it was a privilege. THANK YOU! **


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